Sometimes all I am is confused. I have no idea what to do or where to go. I don’t know what I am feeling or how I should react. I just feel so low and sad. But I can’t feel sad, not anymore. I have to be brave and strong. And I don’t feel brave and strong some days. Sometimes my feelings get hurt, even if it is over silly little things, and I just feel ripped apart because of it. But I don’t know what to do with that.
I don’t have anything anymore. Everything is “ours” but really His. And I don’t think He really wants to share with me. I don’t think He wants me here. I think He wishes I would go away. I feel so useless and worthless because of it. He didn’t want to share His life with me, but now He doesn’t really have a choice. I am just here now. It was too soon for me to move it. I know that. I was more than hesitant. But they needed me, He needed me. So I agreed to stay. And now we both regret it. Now we want space and something different from what we have. But we can’t have that. We can’t go back to the way it was before. I have no tiny apartment to go back to. I have no money, no things, nothing. I have to keep my fingers crossed that He doesn’t get tired of me and become miserable. I don’t think He will throw me out, but what if He starts to hate me?
We were so happy, so in love. And then she just ruined it all. She DESTROYED our happiness. She took all that was good and yanked it away from us and ran away with it. She comes by every now and then and dangles what used to be in front of us, taunting us. I don’t even want her to come back any more. It is hard for me to admit that, and type it out like that. I don’t want to be with her, and I don’t want to make her a part of my life. I just want her to go away. I want her to leave Him alone so that He can start to move toward being okay. But as long as she keeps Him on the little string she holds so loosely in her hand, He is going to wait for her. He is going to wait as long as she lets Him. And I am certain she will keep Him there at least until she finds someone else.
I just want to cry. I want to sob in His arms until I can’t breathe. But I can’t cry. I have tears in my eyes right now, but I know better now. I can’t cry. I have to make the sad go away somehow. I have to shut down.