This post did not end up where I thought it would

I am starting to notice a pattern.  Well, not a pattern so much as a…hrm…I guess it is a pattern.  We have a week or so that is really good.  Just normal, tear free, happy and connected.  I feel Him with me.  I can talk to Him and touch Him, and He is really there.  I forget that I miss Him and I get to just be His girl again.  He holds me and whispers in my ears.  He hurts me and nibbles on my neck.  I noticed today that we had been normal for a little bit now, about a week.

I got scared when I realized that.  The happy doesn’t usually last more than a week or two.  And it has been about a week.  Which means another low is coming.  I feel like the box gets a little smaller every time.  Maybe that is not the best way to describe it.  Maybe it is like I am a stake being driven into the ground, with each low being the hammer hitting me atop the head.  I get further down each time, and each time a little more worried that I won’t be able to get back up.

I hate that I am thinking of myself.  I hate that anything other than Him and making Him better is what I am thinking about.  But I can’t unload on Him the way I need to.  I can’t tell Him all of this.  He could read this, sure, but I doubt He does.  I asked Him a while back, when the whatever it is with Pam started to not read my blog for a while.  I needed to say things about her, about Him, and about us that would not make Him happy.  I don’t know that I ever did go off on the “Pam is evil” rant that I was keeping inside, but I definitely said some things that would have only made Him sad.  So, He has stayed away, and I think that warning has just kinda stuck.  I think He is afraid of what He will find here.

I don’t write as much as I should or would like to, not really because of Him, but more because of Pam.  For lots of reasons.  She knows about the blog, and has read it in the past.  I have no idea if she still reads it or not, and I am starting to get past my apprehension about it.  For a while it was anger that motivated me not to want her to read anything about me or how I feel.  Because she hurt me.  And she has to know that, right?  I have wondered for a while if she does know that.  I think maybe she just thinks because she didn’t really care about me, that I must not have cared about her.  And I am not so good at being the one that is upset or hurt.  I would rather put on my tough face and pretend I never cared in the first place.

So I was mad.  I didn’t want her to know what we were doing.  I didn’t want her to have any kind of insight into our lives or relationship other than what she could see through the window.  She put herself outside of us, and I thought, and still do honestly, that that is where she deserves to stay.  I didn’t want her to know about the sad.  I didn’t want her to know about the hurt.  Because she seems so content to not care about it herself.  She seems to block out the mere thought that she might have even affected us at all, so I suppose it wouldn’t matter if I talk about it.  But I didn’t want her to know anything else about me.

I am still quite angry.  I think I need to start working some of that out.  Because it is starting to influence the way I take care of Him.  I find myself just so pissed at her when He is sad.  I find myself just seething inside when I see Him cry, and I know that it is all her stupid fault.  I want to get out all the mean and petty little things that I think when He weeps for her.  And I think I am going to do just that.  So, I apologize for the turn that this blog may take.  I never wanted it to be some sort of bitchfest about, of all people, Pam.  But I am bottling it up too much.  My friends are far too biased to really listen to me talk about it.  They love me and want to protect me, and Pam is enemy number one to most of them.  So, when I complain about her, they agree with me (as they should…I am telling the truth!), and it makes it hard to just get it all out.  I don’t want anyone to agree with me, I just want to pour it all out.

I have no idea what will happen.  I don’t know how it will work out.  I do not even kinda know the direction this will all take.  But I do know that having pent-up anger and feelings will not be helpful no matter what happens.  So, I’m gonna tell it all, in all kinds of opinionated detail, until I have said all that I need to say.  And then I am gonna try to heal from it.  Because I can’t just be angry with her forever.  I don’t have to end up all happy and smiley about it either, don’t get me wrong.  but I do need to at least move past what is getting damn near hatred.

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