Some wonderings and what-ifs

Things have been strangely normal around here lately.  We function as a family really well.  Getting the kids up and ready, eating breakfast, heading out for the day.  Making meals, cleaning house.  Bedtime routines and nightly rituals.  We talk and hang out.  We play with the kids and do dishes.  We are normal.  And all this is good.  But it worries me as well.

Pam says her move is temporary.  And he wants and needs her to come back.  I want her to come back too…well, I want the old Pam to come back.  The post-breakdown Pam can stay away.  But the one before that?  She was sweet and nice and fun to be around.  Anyway…what do we do when she does come back?  I know it’s not that big of an issue…I (and the kids) fit into their routine easy enough I suppose.  Or maybe we didn’t…maybe that was the problem.  Maybe we were too much of an upset.  Although I know that can’t be all of it, I wonder if it didn’t somehow contribute.

But, let’s say she comes back in six months.  Six months of normalcy and routines.  Six months of Him sleeping in my bed.  Six months of Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons.  We both love her enough that we will freeze it all to take her back into our lives.  But I think about the things that are kinda stationary…like things with the kids.  School times and dinner times.  Things that we will have to keep up.  If she comes back, it is right that she would get some special treatment for a little while.  He will be so happy, and it will be good to have old Pam back.  I think about that a lot…we worked so well together for a while…can we get that back?

But what if she wants to come back only if I leave?  I am not 100% on how that would go down.  Although, from what He has said, He made it clear that the issue of “one or the other” would not be an option to be discussed.  And I guess I just feel like either her demanding that I leave so that she can come back, or her just not even entertaining the idea of coming back if I am here are the most logical options.

She didn’t leave because she likes me so much and just loved living with me and having a triad relationship.  She left because she doesn’t want to have a relationship with anyone other than just Him.  So, what is going to change her mind?  That is the part I can’t reason my way around.  I can’t come up with possible scenarios where she just has such a drastic change of heart.  Because that is what it will be if she comes back.  She will be coming back to be part of He and I.  She will be coming back to a triad and a family.  I suppose a V is an option, although I know that is nowhere near what He wants.

He loves us both very much.  And His ideal relationship is all three of us together.  I suppose He would settle for her and I being really good friends, and that is more or less what was going on for a while.  But the last few months before she left, we were constantly at each others throats.  The tension was palpable and thick.  And that is not how any of us want to live.  So are she and I going to just miraculously fall in love with each other?  Probably not.  And the way things have been make me wonder if we can even be friends.

I am slowly letting go of my anger and hostility.  It has been very helpful to acknowledge that I did nothing wrong.  I think that is really all I can do.  Let go and heal my side.  I can forgive and move on and become okay.  I can’t force her to do any of that.  I can’t make her like me, love me, or anything.  All I can do is work on getting myself to a place where, if she ever decides she wants to come back and try again, I can be open and ready for that.  I am working on it.  I don’t know how long it will take, but I feel like eventually I will get there.

I suppose the only answer to the question of what we do if and when she comes back is to just take it one day at a time and see what happens.  I guess if we get to the point of discussing all of us living together again, or even just dating again, or anything, we will know what to do then.  I hate that kind of answer, though.  It is so unhelpful and unsettling.  But, it’s all we’ve got for right now.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sephani Paige
    Jan 23, 2011 @ 19:02:27

    my suggestion would be, if she wants back in after 6 months of sorting herself out, then moving right back in wouldn’t be a good idea. What if it doesn’t work? then there is the moving out drama again. So instead, if she wants back….date her. Invite her over for meals, movies and hanging out. Go out places together. Get to know each other again. Chances are things will of changed for everyone and the only way to sort out the wrinkles so everyone gets a smooth chance is to relearn each other 🙂

    I too wish that Master’s ex would come around and come back…I miss her.

    Reply

    • HisMoonFairy
      Jan 24, 2011 @ 10:13:14

      I imagine that is how it will go, too. He and I both worry about this happening again. Because a big part of the reason she left is because she does not want to be in a triad. They are still ‘together’ in a way, I suppose. At least she says they are. She doesn’t come around much, and she doesn’t really answer his messages or calls. I wish we could get inside her head for just a minute or two, just to get a glimpse of anything we could do to make it better for her, and for us.

      Reply

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