Hrm

It has been a while, hasn’t it?  A good bit has been going on lately, and I guess I have just been too overwhelmed to focus enough to come up with a post.  I suppose I’ll try to summarize some of it here.

Pam moved out.  It will be two weeks this Saturday.  He is…okay.  He isn’t happy about it, of course.  He misses her terribly, and wants her to come back home.  She says it is temporary, but I don’t know how much I believe that.  I mean, she doesn’t want to be in a triad relationship.  So, as long as I am here, I am pretty sure she won’t be.  She says she is having an identity crisis too.  I suppose that is true?  But to us, it just kinda seems like she wants to act like a college kid again.  She wants to bar hop and stay out late.  She wants to be as carefree as possible.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  Of course there isn’t.  I just think it is a little unfair to make a commitment to someone, and then change your mind partly because you wanna go out and party.  But whatevs.

It is such a complex situation, that I really don’t think it is possible for me to explain it all.  There are a thousand different angles, and they all have to be examined at the exact same time in order for any of this to make any sense.  And I think that is part of the problem.  That is impossible.  Even between the two of us, we can’t possibly cram it all into our minds at the same time.  We can think about one or two issues each, and try to figure those out, but then we are reminded of something else that makes our conclusions void.  So, we are stuck mulling it over and trying to figure it out, and being left more or less with just plain confusion.

I was really angry for a while, as I am sure you can tell from my previous posts.  And, honestly, I still am rather angry.  But, I am dealing with it a little better now, I think.  For the first five months of this, I felt the anger and upset and hostility just oozing out of Pam and onto me.  Everything I said, she argued.  Every point I made, she had a counter-point.  She would go out of her way to make me upset or uncomfortable, and I can admit that a lot of my words and actions were retaliation to that.  She pissed me off, so I pissed her off.  Wasn’t very nice of me, no, but I thought it was making me feel better.  It wasn’t.  It was only making things worse.  Not that the alternative is that I should be sugary sweet to her, she doesn’t deserve that.  But she doesn’t deserve Uber Bitch either.  So, I decided to do some thinking about it, and I came up with something that was both interesting and helpful.

My conclusion: I didn’t do anything wrong.  Nothing I said, did, thought, made, wore, bought, gave, took, anything at all possible was the cause of all this.  And I thought, with all the anger coming from her, that I MUST deserve it.  I must have done something to deserve it, right?  Even if it was unconscious or not on purpose, there must have been some action or something I said that made her hate me so much and made her want to be so mean to me.  But, after some analyzation, I have come to realize that there is nothing.  She isn’t mad at me.  She isn’t upset with me.  She doesn’t hate me.  All those are feelings she has about HERSELF.  She regrets allowing me into the relationship (but that’s not my fault either), and she is sad that now the only relationship she can have with him is one that, in some way or another, includes me as well.  And I understand how that must feel.  I am sure she is hurting and upset.  I was the easiest target.  Pam doesn’t really ever own her behavior or thoughts, especially when they are negative or wrong.  For example, she says something mean, she isn’t really going to admit it, and she will probably find a way to “apologize” that includes making it at least a little bit your fault.  I know it is not just Pam that does this…lots of people cope with their own shortcomings and mistakes by pushing them or projecting them onto other people.  I do it sometimes too.  But when I hurt someone…I hurt too.  And I acknowledge the hurt and I try to soothe it.  Not every time, of course, but it is more often that then the other.

Anyway, I haven’t done anything, and it isn’t’ my fault.  She is projecting her frustrations with herself onto me.  She is handing me all the stuff she doesn’t want to deal with.  And for a long time, I didn’t see that.  I thought that I must have done something terribly awful to her, and I didn’t realize it.  I asked myself over and over what I did to deserve her more or less just breaking up with me without even really saying it.  She decided she didn’t want to be with me, but didn’t bother to tell me.  And then she more or less started acting like she wasn’t even really with me to begin with.  I won’t pretend that we had some epic romance, but we were involved.  And then suddenly we weren’t.  And she started acting like I was crazy for thinking we were, in a way.  It took me a while to realize that it was just her own issues.

So, with that knowledge, I am doing a little better at being nice to her.  Realizing that anything negative or hostile she has to say to me isn’t really directed at me has helped me hear it differently.  I don’t hear her screaming at me, or being mean to me, I hear her doing those things to herself.  Although, my interactions with her have been rather limited lately, as she doesn’t really come over much.

That’s hard for Him, of course.  He aches without her.  And I wish I knew what was going to happen.  I wish I could tell how she was feeling and what she was thinking.  But I don’t think she even knows most of the time.  I think her head is just a muddled clusterfuck that she can’t really wade through it most of the time, let alone explain it to anyone else.

**sigh**

It has been a rough time here lately.  But, good things are gonna happen soon too.  His birthday is soon, and in celebration we are going to a concert in Florida, and spending a couple days at the beach.  I am beyond excited, because I truly believe that I get my energy from the ocean air.  I think that might be why I am running out of steam…I haven’t had my toes in the sand in too long a time. 

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