A bit torn

I realized something the other day.  I suppose I probably should have figured it out sooner, and I kinda did, but it became really clear to me a few days ago.

I have mentioned my mood swings in previous posts, and have neglected to mention that I am now taking an antidepressant.  It has been amazingly helpful, and it balances me out a lot.  I still have a lot of the panic that I had before, but I hope to resolve that when I go back in January.  Anyway…meds, happier girl, easier to be good.

However, I tend to get on edge sometimes.  And it’s like a rut that I get into.  I’m not sad, but I have just a general feeling of panic or unrest.  I am uneasy and jumpy, and I have a really short fuse.  My patience is almost non-existent, and I am quick to have an attitude.  I was scared of it this time, because I had been so good lately.  And I mean, really good.  (I am going to post about that tomorrow or so)  I started to feel the old familiar panic and unrest creep up on me Monday afternoon.

I can feel my insides shaking sometimes when I get like that.  I just can’t calm down, my heart races, and my mind won’t calm down.  I have learned to be sweet when I tell Him about it, and I have learned to keep my tone calm and to breathe a lot.  I haven’t perfected it, of course, because I feel like if I had, I wouldn’t have the panic in the first place.

We have discussed the panic over and over…stress?  Hormones?  The meds?  We have gone over and over what it might be that causes the random panic.  We thought that it might be when I would have “that time of the month” if I actually had “that time of the month” and it was my hormones going crazy even though there was no reason for them to.  We pondered whether it was an accumulation of stress that I wasn’t properly venting or dealing with.  We even thought about talking to the doctor and upping my dosage or changing medication.  But we resolved to just wait until my next visit, and give the meds a real chance to work.

Well, Tuesday a light bulb went off for me.  I hadn’t had an orgasm in about a week.  I thought about it for a little while, and realized that at least the last couple of times I’ve had a panicky few days, I have been without an orgasm.  I cum often, don’t get me wrong here, and He fucks me and uses me even more often.  So it is not like I am desperately wanting here.  But apparently my mood is quite closely related to how often I cum.

This isn’t really an issue.  A casual mention of this to Him will most likely solve the problem.  After all, He enjoys playing with His toy, so it’s not like He doesn’t benefit too!  🙂  I guess where I get a bit conflicted is how much I enjoy being left wanting.  When He gets me all worked up and I make Him cum, but I don’t get to?  Mmmmmmm!  I suppose it sounds weird to most out there in Vanilla Land, but it makes me feel quite His when I know that it is ME making Him feel so good, and He is the focus and all I have to worry about it His pleasure.  I often find it hard to relax into a sexual situation, although it is easier with Him than it ever has been before.  So, my own anxiety often distracts me.  But when I am 100% focused on Him?  I know I am loved and wanted and needed and desired and kept.  So I can melt into it.

Of course it makes me all squirmy and wet to have Him in my mouth, hand, or wherever else He may be, so I start to ache for Him to touch me, make me feel even better.  But when He just scoops me under His arm and pets my head and says “Good girl,” instead?  It is quite satisfying for me.  It reminds me where I belong, who I am, and that I am His.  So I just kinda melt into Him, and soak up the very obvious love and adoration that He feels for me.

So, perhaps now you can see the struggle.  I apparently NEED to cum, at least every few days.  But I also NEED the denial so that I can be reminded of my place and His love.  The longer He leaves me aching, the better, but after about four days or so, I get panicky and crabby.  And even though I know that I just need an orgasm and I will be fine, I still don’t really WANT one.  Not until He wants to let me have one.

I suppose I will keep up the internal battle.  If there is some magic solution, or even just a happy recommendation, that I am missing, by all means…LET A FAIRY KNOW!  🙂

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