Collar

I have been wanting to write a post about this for a while.  I suppose I was kinda waiting until I had one, so I could tell a full circle story.  But, I have been thinking about it so much lately that I think writing about it will help a lot.  So, I will try to sort out some of my feelings about the issue, and perhaps get a little closer to understanding myself, Him, and us.

I want to wear His collar.  I want to wear His collar more than I have ever wanted anything else…ever.  All too often my thoughts slide and I forget, if only for a moment, that I belong to Him.  Those moments are scary.  I feel lost and sad and alone and awful.  They don’t last very long…they really are just moments.  But they feel like they last forever.  And I feel like if I had something hugging my neck that those moments would be farther apart and easier to deal with.  He knows when I need to hear it.  He knows when I need to be reminded.  And He tells me, He spanks me, He holds my throat firmly in His hand, and He tugs at my hair when I need to know.  He does all that even when I’m not aching for a reminder.  He is good to me.  So very, very good to me.  And I don’t want any of that to stop (not that it would even if I did!).  I want my ass to be reddened and my hair to be mussed up.  I want His breath in my ear and my breath in His strong grip.

But there are times when He isn’t there.  Times when obligations or plans or life keeps Him away from me for a few hours, sometimes days.  And if I could reach up and touch my neck and run my fingers over a pretty reminder, I think it would be easier to breathe until He got to me.  I wake up some nights and wish He was sleeping next to me, instead of across the hall.  And I think it would be easier to drift back to dreams of Him if I had an almost tight chain to soothe me back to sleep.  I am a needy girl.  I know this.  I need to know…to really know…that I am His.  I need to hear it every day and I need to feel it all the time.  And I recognize that that could become trying.  And I never ever want to be a burden to Him.

I want the other symbolism that comes with it, too.  His collar doesn’t just mean I’m His.  It means I’m His forever. Yes, for every single day that there remains breath in my body, I will belong to Him, collar or no collar.  But with the collar?  It’s not just me that acknowledges that.  I’m not saying that I don’t believe Him if I don’t have a collar, that’s silly.  But if He holds a pretty chain in His hands and fastens it around my neck?  He wants me.  He needs me.  And I can see it.  I can look in the mirror and see His love for me.  And that just makes me all fluttery and squishy inside.

Sometimes I sit with my eyes closed and imagine what it will feel like when He slips the collar around my neck.  A small smile sits on my lips as I think about what His hands will feel like, what the collar will look like, what it will feel like.  I breathe deep and sigh when I reach up and pretend it is there already.  Mentally I have been collared for quite some time.  Figuratively, every breath I take presses my neck up against the gentle grip of cool metal.  But physically, literally…I have to wait until I feel His hands there.  I have to wait to feel the sting of a slap to my cheek.  I have to wait until His fingers are tangled in my hair.  And I will keep waiting, patiently and sweetly and lovingly devoted to Him, until He gives me His collar.

I know that it is not an IF but a WHEN.  I am confident that I will get to be His forever, and I am also certain that He will lovingly wrap evidence of that fact around my neck.  I have to be a patient girl.  I have to be a good girl.  I have to be a sweet girl.  I will earn it.  And when He feels I have, and when He is ready, I will be the happiest girl in the world.  HIS happy girl.  🙂

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