Angry letter

What follows started as an e-mail to Pam.  But then I lost my nerve to actually send it.  It seemed too harsh to just click send.  I know she reads my blog occasionally, so she still may see it.  But I couldn’t bring myself to hurt HIM by sending this to her.  So I have copied and pasted it here, so that I can at lease get it out.

*deep breath*

 

I am tired of it, Pam. And, unlike other people, I am going to speak up and say something. I am tired of you taking advantage of everyone around you. I am tired of your attitude, I am tired of your “feelings”. I am tired of you going out and making us worry. I am tired of you ditching the people who love you most to run off with other people. I am tired of you lying. I am tired of you thinking you are always right. I am tired of the way you treat Him. I am tired of the way you treat me. I am tired of your apathy. I am tired of all of it.

I know it is a hard pill to swallow, but the world does NOT revolve around you. Take a moment to really think about that. How often in the past few months have you really given half of a damn about other people? (None is the answer) I empathize and understand the emotional struggle you are facing right now. I imagine that it is very hard. But you ARE hurting people. I know that is hard to hear…and it would be easier if you could just pretend that what you are doing and saying and how you are acting isn’t affecting anyone else around you. But, guess what? IT IS. He is hurt, I am hurt. But that doesn’t matter, does it? You don’t want to hear it. Know why? Because then it is harder to act the way you are and do the things you are doing.

You feel guilty when you go out? GOOD. You should. Feel guilty when you know that your actions upset someone? GOOD. These are what we call NORMAL reactions to treating people who love and care about you like crap. And that is just what you are doing. You are acting with purely selfish intentions. You do not AT ALL stop and consider anyone else.

Now is a good time to let you know that I by no means think you should do anything that you don’t want to. Don’t wanna stay home? That’s fine. Wanna stay out all night and spend the night at some other man’s house? Cool with me. But…and here’s the part that you don’t seem to get…you have obligations and responsibilities at home. If that is such and issue and you really just don’t want to, then would you please, if for no other reason than this “guilt” you claim to feel, just rip the bandaid off.

You are a selfish, selfish woman. You think you are doing us a “favor” by sticking around and “finding yourself” while we sit and watch you care less and less. I know your friends tell you differently, but I am willing to bet their support comes from only hearing your twisted version of the story. Do you tell them how He cries? Do you tell them how you lost a friend? Do you tell them how understanding and patient we have tried to be? Have you mentioned how you walk all over us? I doubt it. I bet you just whine about how you are trapped and smothered, yet are too chicken to leave. The world is hard, I get that. You may be older, but I have 100 fold more life experience, so I understand what you will be facing if you leave the comfort and safety of having someone help take care of you. You are scared of the big bad real world, I get that. But what are you waiting for? Saving up your money and leaching off of Him as long as you can is what it seems like.

The reason I say all these things is two-fold. Firstly, no one else will say it to you. He is afraid that all it will take is one wrong word or action from Him and that is all that it will take to push you out the door. And I don’t know that I fully disagree with Him. I think your motives for staying are selfish enough that you will stay until you are “ready” to go, but I also do wonder if you are just waiting for an actual reason, rather than the ones you have fabricated to make yourself feel better.

Secondly, I am most certain it is partly my fault. I think a lot of the motivation is regretting ever letting Him love me. It always makes me chuckle when I think about that. How much power you have. And you know it. And I think you are regretting not speaking up before now. I think you were mostly okay with it when I was just there every now and then, but now it is my home too. And that sucks, doesn’t it? Because you don’t get to make all the rules now. I don’t think you want me there, I don’t think you care at all about me. I think you justify it to yourself by making me some sort of charity case. “We rescued her!” Well, if it helps, you didn’t save me. You didn’t bring me out of destitution and poverty. I was just fine where I was. I didn’t move because I had to…I did it because I WANTED to, and I thought you guys wanted me to also. And now I think you have changed your mind. I think you look in the mirror and regret ever letting it happen. I think if you could go back and change it, you would in a heartbeat. And I get that that must be hard and painful.

You are dishonest and secretive about every feeling you have. You just do whatever you want, and then turn on the water works when we ask you to do something with us. You stay holed up in the bedroom or at whatshisname’s house, but turn on the charms when you need to get laid. You ignore everyone, until one of us has something you want or need. You don’t even realize you are doing it! You hide it under the mask of “finding yourself” when really all you want is just to not have to follow the rules or pull your weight or do your part. You got pissed about choices YOU made, and now you seem to think that you can just do whatever, simply because you USED to be a nice person.

That’s what gets me the most, I think. You are so sweet and kind and nice. And that is how you are handling this. With this air of kindness. You think because you aren’t yelling or being mean, that we shouldn’t be hurt. Well, we are. I’ll say that again, so you don’t misunderstand. YOU ARE HURTING PEOPLE. Even if you are doing it with a smile and a kind word, you are still hurting people’s feelings. I know that sucks to hear. Because now it isn’t so easy, is it? Now you have to look in the mirror and know that your selfish behavior is hurting the people who love you the most.

I am sure that my feelings for you seem like nothing short of hatred and hostility. For that I am sorry. I am hurt and sad. If you are working it out with anyone, it is Him. You have already left me, and that hurts me. And, you don’t even acknowledge it. You ignore it, because it’s easier that way, I guess. You don’t care even a little bit that you broke up with me and then force me to see you every day. You did almost that to Him, but not in the same way as me. You are mad at me and claim that the tension is coming from you too. What did I do? Please let me know! Other than loving Him, I can’t think of anything I could have done to upset or hurt you. I haven’t been very nice lately, but that is because you have hurt me. I understand that perhaps I should be better at controlling my emotions, but you make me sad and hurt and angry. I think if you at least admitted that you have done damage, that maybe I could smile at you a little more.

I don’t want it to seem like I am requesting or demanding anything of you. Mainly because I know it won’t do any good. You are the center of you little universe, and no one else has any influence on your behavior. So, I will by no means require you to treat me properly. I will, however, request that you leave me alone. I am defensive and on edge around you, and it is giving me headaches. I won’t ask anything of you anymore either. You don’t have to feel obligated to do ANYTHING any more. You just live your little Pam life, and don’t you waste any time worrying about anyone else. Stay out of my way, and I will stay out of yours. Don’t cut in when I’m doing stuff anymore. You know you do that, and I think it is time you acknowledge that it is wrong and mean. You can do whatever you want, just as long as it doesn’t affect me in any way. Looking at you and being around you is hurtful to me, and I simply don’t want to do it anymore. I won’t speak for Him, so you can keep hurting Him if you want, but I am cutting you off from hurting me.

It is hard to hear all this, I am sure. And I know I have been harsher than may be necessary. But it is time someone made you really understand what you are doing. I know He will me angry with me for saying it, and I know it will hurt Him, but it’s not me or my words that will hurt. It is simply an acknowledgement of the truth that is painful here. You are selfish. You are mean. And you are hurting people. Stop it, or get out. Soon. Quit using us as crutches and just move on with the little world you wanna live in that doesn’t include us anyway.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cricket
    Nov 01, 2010 @ 16:08:35

    *Hugs* I’m glad you posted this to at least get it out some. Sometimes even if we just write it all out, even if never sent.. it does help. I think she really needs to hear everything you said to her here, but I can so understand why you decided to post it and not send it.

    Hang in there hon, I am so sorry you guys are hurting so badly, I had hopes that things would be improving for you. I am glad to see a post from you though, had been wondering about you. I am here if you need anything.. even just a friend to listen.

    Hugs
    baby girl cricket xo

    Reply

    • hismoonfairy
      Nov 02, 2010 @ 13:37:25

      Thank you, babe. I don’t even really know where to go with it now. Things are getting worse, but not in a really definable way. That is the frustrating part. I miss what we all used to be. But I am most certain at this point that it will never happen. I am just resolved at this point to be as strong as I can for Him. I smile and go about my life, and have a good long cry every now and then. It’ll be hard, but we will get though it either way. He has said before that eventually the other shoe WILL drop…we won’t live this way forever. So at least we know that at some point we will have answers instead of just confusion from her. Your support means a lot, and I really wish I could force myself to update this thing more often. I keep saying I will, but I suck at it! 😀

      Reply

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