Broken trust

I have been doing a lot of analyzing lately.  Mainly about Pam and how I feel about her in this “post-breakdown” place that we are in right now.  I have been letting it all come out as anger and frustration and aggravation and irritation, and it really isn’t any of those things.  It’s hurt and sad.  I trusted her, and she broke that trust.

I don’t trust easily.  In fact, it is damn near impossible for me to completely let someone in.  I trust Him, and by association, I trusted her.  I assumed that if I could trust this man who I have loved almost my entire life, that whoever HE trusts must be worthy of it.  I was wrong.  The stability and foreverness that their love offered and exemplified was something I could believe in.  He needs her and I need Him.  So if He is strong, so am I.  But then she changed her mind.  SHe said she didn’t want to anymore.  SHe said that she wanted other things, other people, another life.  That this life she had built with Him all these years wasn’t what she really wanted.  That she needed space and needed to spread her wings and needed to find herself.

And now it seems like it’s all okay sometimes.  I know it’s not back to normal.  He is still a mess over it, and she brings up leaving once a week or so.  But she hasn’t left yet.  And I am a little confused about what it is she is waiting for.  Money?  The right time?  Him being okay?  A combination of all that?  No matter what it is, every day she stays just makes it harder.  Is she even really gonna leave?  We have no idea.  It seems as if she isn’t.  But that is probably just because leaving is hard, and she knows she probably won’t make it on her own.  But either way, she just kinda mills around and we all stand on the edge of insanity waiting for her to make up her mind for the day.

There has been tension between her and I lately.  Palpable, thick tension.  And it is because she hurt Him, she hurt me, and she doesn’t seem to care.  This is kinda normal with her…she just does whatever, and if she messes up, she just smiles and giggles and pretends that it was everyone else’s fault.  And most of the time, I’m okay with that, because that is how she is and I am used to it.  But this is different.  She has to own this one.  She has to accept the responsibility for this one.  She said a lot of things she can never take back and a lot of things that I will never ever forget.  She can pretend all she wants that she didn’t say them, or that we heard her wrong, or that she meant something else, but it doesn’t work that way this time.  This time she needs to put on her big girl panties and own what she said.

If there is ANY chance of her and I ever moving beyond the tension, she is gonna have to own up to ALL of it, and apologize.  To me and to Him.  She hurt people.  And being good and sweet doesn’t make it okay to destroy lives and hearts.  Especially without even saying sorry afterward.  He and I have discussed this, and He gets so sad when I talk about the broken trust and how hurt I am.  Because He just wants her to stay.  He doesn’t care how or why or anything.  As long as she is here, He will fawn over her and let her get away with anything.  I almost envy His ability to just forgive (without being asked to) and forget.  I just can’t do it.  I can forgive her.  That is easy enough to do, provided she acknowledges what she said and did.  But I doubt very much that I will ever be able to trust her again.  It will take years and years to even get to a place where I could begin to entertain the idea.

You can’t tell me you want to leave, make plans to do so, say things you can’t take back, and then expect me to believe that it won’t happen again.  I am confident that she will do this again.  I know that it is only a matter of time before we go through this again.  And that is fine, but my heart won’t be anywhere close to the chopping block again.  My feelings have changed, and I will be quite surprised if they ever progress past light friendship again.

It makes Him so sad.  Because He wants His girls to like each other and get along and be friends.  And I do too.  We all used to have so much fun together.  It was never perfect, but it was good.  We laughed and cuddled and talked and played.  But now we just sit separately and away from each other.  I found a picture the other day in His phone of us hugging and me kissing her on the cheek.  It made me so sad.  Because I know that it probably won’t ever be like that again.  I wish I could force it.  And that has been what I have been trying to do.  I have been trying to MAKE myself feel happy and good about her again.

And that’s the thing that gets me about all that.  The way I feel right now hurts me.  It tears me up that I can’t just move on from it and forget that it happened.  I wish I could just say, “It’s cool, Pam.  Don’t do it again, okay?”  But I can’t.  I know that that is mostly my fault, but it is still something I can’t change.  I have built up defenses to keep myself safe and sane, and I let her in.  I let her in and she fucked up.  So now she gets put outside the walls.  And they are high and tough and almost impossible to climb.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cricket
    Oct 02, 2010 @ 15:25:40

    You said: ” I know that that is mostly my fault, but it is still something I can’t change.”

    No, it is NOT your fault. We all build up defenses to keep ourselves from being hurt hon. You let her in, and you trusted her. She in turn broke that trust to you and Him by doing and saying very hurtful things. Trust takes time to build, and you worked towards that it sounds like. It is not your fault that she broke that trust.

    I am so sorry that you are both going through this with her. I am here to listen and offer a warm shoulder as much as I can through a computer screen. Hang in there, tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully she will make up her mind and stop tormenting you both with all of this.

    *Hugs* xo

    Reply

    • hismoonfairy
      Oct 02, 2010 @ 17:29:02

      Thank you, Cricket darling. 🙂 It is tough right now, but the relationship (with Him, with her, with the three of us) is worth it to me. Things may never be the same with her again, but that doesn’t mean that they will always be bad. I have to do my part to try. The only promises I have made are that I will be open and receptive to building bridges, and that I will be polite and civil. But, honestly, until she looks it in the face and admits she was wrong and asks for forgiveness, I don’t know how much progress can be made. That is really the most frustrating part. That there isn’t really anything *I* can do. *sigh*

      Reply

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