Happy Birthday to me!

Today is my birthday.  A lady never reveals her age, so don’t even think about getting that out of me!  🙂  I don’t usually care for my birthday.  A troubled past and some bad memories make this day one of my least favorite.

HOWEVER….

This year I am resolving to change that.  I am not going to type a post about how much I hate my birthday and why it sucks so much to be me.  Instead, I am going to be a happy girl.  I am going to talk about the good that has been happening lately, and I am gonna smile.  I had many years to hate this day, and now that I am His, I don’t have to hate anything at all ever again.  I don’t have to be sad or lonely or upset.  Because He loves me and protects me, I can let all the hurt and anger and upset fall away.

I think I am finally starting to get it.  I am starting to understand what it means to be  good girl.  Sometimes I feel like my eyes are just huge with wonder and amazement when something makes sense to me.  I feel a swell of happiness in me when I don’t fight.  And when I don’t fight not because I am just holding my tongue to avoid being in trouble, but because I really don’t want to or need to.  I am realizing that I can in fact say how I feel, and He will listen and help and hold me and make it better.  I just have to make sure I use the right words.  I can feel any emotion I want or need to, and it will always be okay, and I will always have a soft and safe place with Him.  My biggest struggle is properly identifying and communicating my feelings.  I so often assume that anger and sad is all I can feel.  I am learning there are other, sometimes subtle, feelings in there too.  And making sure I have the right one to deal with is so important for me.

There is so much good and happy around me.  I have two wonderfully smart children that are always fun and entertaining to watch and interact with and love.  I have wonderful friends that love me for no real reason at all.  I know I can always find the truth about things in them.  They don’t sugar coat their love for me, but make sure that their arms are open wide and ready when I need a snuggle or two.  I have a home, finally.  I have a place to feel safe and loved.  I have help and a support system.  I know that I am protected and cared for.

I have a relationship.  As real a relationship as ever there was.  It is complicated and complex and weird, but it is perfect, too.  Perfect in that completely imperfect way that all truly wonderful things are. It is not always easy, but it is always worth it.  There is no luckier girl in the world than I.  🙂

My needs and my wants are met on a daily basis. This is something I am still adjusting to, as I was left aching for it for most of my life.  But now there are arms to hug me and lips to kiss me.  There are people to talk to me and reassure me. I am not left wondering if I am loved and needed. I have my moments of doubt, of course, but every day I get one step closer to not remembering that scared and sad little girl that I used to be.  I can see the other side now.  The other side where I am just His good girl, and all the hurt and bad and sad and lonely from my past has been stomped away by all the light and happy and good that is His love for me.

I am a lucky girl, a lucky girl indeed.  And I thought that my birthday, the day my new year starts, was a fine day to really refocus and count my happys.  I have so much to be happy about.  I am not going to ignore the sad.  But I am going to make sure I see the happy first from now on.  Once I have found a happy, then I will move on to deal with the sad.  But the happy has to come first.  Happy.  🙂

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sephani Paige
    Sep 14, 2010 @ 17:06:32

    happy birthday!!!

    Reply

  2. Cricket
    Sep 14, 2010 @ 17:41:17

    Happy Birthday!!!

    And may I say good for you! I also know the feeling of having had some pretty horrid bdays in my past.. but they seem to get better every year now that I am older. And I hope that yours is all you dream of and that you have the best day!!

    xo

    Reply

  3. Him
    Sep 15, 2010 @ 09:56:46

    Happy birthday, pet.

    Reply

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