Three days

I miss Him.  I miss Him a lot.  I feel achy and sad and just desperately alone.  There are moments when I want to run back home as fast as I can, and this is one of those moments.  I started typing this to Him in an e-mail, but realized it would just make Him upset.  So I thought I would pour this out here.  I plan on having a good cry while I do it, and hopefully I will feel better when it’s over.

He has become more and more distant from me the past few days.  He is really stressed at work, and the kids have been a bit of a challenge lately.   He has been so perfectly helpful with them, that I can’t begrudge Him the stress He is feeling because of them.  Not to mention the stuff with Pam has, if anything, gotten more confusing and complicated.  But I am confused and alone.  He hasn’t touched me for more than a second or two in three days.  I can feel His love for me in His touch.  I can sense how much He cares when He kisses me.  And I have been so tired and so lonely the past few days, that His lack of affection and attention just makes me ache. I don’t know what to do.  I know that things are confusing and stressful right now, but the sexual chemistry between us was so much of who we are.  It was us.

Not in the “new relationship” kinda way, but in the chemical and visceral way that just is our bond.  We are mates.  We have the soft and sweet side of love between us, but it is often a very animal connection.  And I know three days isn’t that much.  But it is just so scary.  I am so scared that it will be four days.  And then seven.  And then fifteen.  I don’t even want to keep going or think about it.

I have an inborn desire and need to be His and to belong to Him.  And with the emotional roller coaster Pam has had us on lately, while we haven’t lost the D/s aspect of out relationship, it has been a very tame and mild version of it.  I want so badly to ask Him to tell me I’m His.  I want His hand in my hair and his teeth on my skin.  I want a spanking, DEAR GOD do I want a spanking.  Actually, I don’t really want any of those things.  I NEED them.  I feel like I am falling apart.

I know that I have to be patient and good.  I know that the best thing for me to do right now is just what comes naturally to me.  I need to just take care of Him and be sweet.  It took a lot of anger and frustration before that realization came about (thanks, Dellah!).  And I will keep doing it.  I will keep pushing forward.  But it is getting so hard to leave and come downstairs every night.  I keep thinking maybe I should stop doing that.  Especially since Pam has been going in there the past few nights.  He doesn’t need me to take Him up to bed anymore.  He is starting to be okay and adjust, and I think it might be best to just stay out of the bed until I can sleep there.

I fell asleep there tonight, and it was just excruciating to leave.  I woke up in His arms.  I felt so safe and so happy.  And now here I am, alone in the darkness of the downstairs, staring at a blurry screen.  I am so tired and so sad.  I just want Him to hold me and let me cry.  I want to just let it all out for a little while.  I need to hear His voice in my ear telling me I’m His and He wants me forever.  I am so scared to ask, because I know how fragile He is right now.  And in the grand scheme of things, my patience and cooperation and support right now will pay off a hundred fold later on.

I reread our old conversations and I search for and read every “good girl” and “I love you, little girl” over and over.  I find the times He told me at great length how much He loves me and needs me.  I get tears in my eyes when I remember the way His voice sounds when He’s got my hair in His hand and His lips whispering in my ear.  I get jealous when I hear the word “mine” even if it isn’t in any kinda of context related to anything close to where it sends my mind.

I know I am still His.  He promised me forever, and He won’t lie to me.  But it is just so hard right now.  I want to curl up into His arms and cry.  I want to feel Him inside me as He reminds me that I belong to Him.  I miss Him.  A lot.

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