One year

Yesterday was our anniversary.  One year.  I want to type out a grand declaration of our love, gushing out every feeling in explicit detail.  But all I can think about is how last night, of all nights, she decided that she wanted to go sleep back in the bed with Him.  I know what it’s silly of me to be so sad and upset over this.

She has been sleeping across the hall, with nary a hint of desire to change that arrangement.  And then yesterday we casually mentioned our anniversary, and she set off to argue with us about it.  Telling us we were wrong and that we must have the date incorrect.  All because she can’t remember where she put her shoes, let alone what two people who aren’t her were doing a year ago.

We were cuddling before bed last night, and I fell asleep.  I didn’t mean to, but I did.  I woke up not long after, and He told me I could stay.  I knew He wasn’t ready for that, so I snuggled up to Him for a few more minutes and then came downstairs to the couch.  I wanted to not leave.  I wanted just to ignore the little voice telling me that He just doesn’t want me to have to be alone on our FIRST anniversary.  But I was strong and good and told Him that I understood and was okay.  And I came down here all alone.

I got very little sleep last night, and what I did get was peppered with bad dreams.  And they come waltzing down the stairs this morning and He tells me she came in there last night.  Last night!  Of all the nights, why last night?  Why can’t I have just a little tiny anything?  I am getting really tired of tiptoeing around her and letting her do whatever she wants.

It was a really important day to me.  I waited my WHOLE LIFE to have Him.  And yesterday was a celebration of that.  Yesterday was a milestone.  And I slept on the couch, while she selfishly slept next to Him.  I don’t even want to be there every night really.  But one night.  OUR anniversary.  And I was up all night tossing and turning on the couch while they slept snuggled together.

She wants her space.  What the hell?  She wants to do whatever the fuck she wants and get away with it.  She wants He and I just to sit around and wait for her to figure out what she wants today, and the freedom to instantly change her mind at any minute.  I don’t get to do that.  He doesn’t get to do that.  But she does.  She’s so fucking special and important that she can just act however she feels and it’s just fine.

And I have the insane responsibility to try to be good all alone.  I can be good, but I need help.  It’s why He and I do TTWD.  It’s a tool to help make me a good girl and to make it last between us.  And now I have to do it all alone.  I had just a few short months of coaching, and that was supposed to be enough to hold me over for God knows how long.  And the worst part?  Even when I AM good, it doesn’t make Him happy.  It makes Him feel better, yeah.  But she’s still hurting Him.  So all I do is make things normal.  And that is really hard to deal with.  Knowing that even if I exhaust myself trying and working and making an effort and being good, that all I will do is make Him not cry.  I’m just so angry with her.  She’s hurting Him, and it’s not fair to anyone the way she is doing it.

I had this beautiful picture in my head of how we would celebrate our milestones together.  He is so sweet and sensitive and romantic.  I knew that this man would be the one that remembered the little important dates.  And He did remember.  And we had a sweet little night together.  But I still had to leave.  And she picked last night to wiggle back in.  And it’s not that I don’t want her in there with Him.  I want them to be happy.  I want what it used to be.  But she tells me one thing and Him another.  She changes her mind every four minutes and has no accountability for her actions and words.

*****

I typed all that this morning and there was a minor emergency that prevented me from posting it until now.  I had some other stuff typed out, but I think I will save the after thoughts for another post.  I like the anger up there.  I have calmed down a lot, and have just kinda pushed the hurt and upset away.  But I think I need to post it anyway.  Just to get it out in a way that isn’t just letting my fingers move.

I also feel terrible that this post isn’t sweet.  I wanted it to be.  I really did.  There’s always next year.

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