Blog a day

I’ve been irritated the past couple of days.  I can’t really figure out why.  I guess it’s just a general unrest that happens every now and then.  It’s a little different this time, because I am really trying NOT to be a bitch.  I see and hear myself starting a fight, and I stop.  At least I try to.  I think a big part of the issue is that I feel like such an inconvenience here.  I feel like I am effort and work wrapped in attention.  And I know that is the opposite of what I should be and what they need me to be right now.  But what do I do about that?

The only thing that comes to mind is to start actually writing here every day.  I talk to friends about how I am feeling, so that I don’t get left behind.  But I don’t think that is the answer.  Not that it isn’t helpful, it is.  But when you tell someone about something you are struggling with, or about a feeling you are having, more often than not people want to help, offer advice, and fix it for you.  And I thought that was what I needed right now.  I thought I needed a support system to help give me tools and ideas and ways to help me stand strong right now.  But what if it’s not?

What if what I need right now and what will work best is just saying how I feel.  No advice or conversation needed.  What if I just need to pour it into a bucket, and then let it sit there?  That’s weird to me, because I have this natural feeling that in times like this, those high stress, really complex and emotional situations, that you should build a network around you of help and support.  But I think it is getting in the way almost.  Not that the advice is bad.  It’s not, at all.  Everyone I have talked to has been super helpful and really supportive.

But I think I need to remember why I started this blog in the first place.  So I could have a place to just PUT it all.  So that when I felt like I was going to boil over, I knew there was something there to rant and rave to.  And I have typed a line or two about that lately, “I need to blog more” or “I should make sure I write more often,” has been running through my head for the past few weeks.  But I don’t do it.  And it’s because I’m so busy trying to distract myself and then talking to Panda or Dellah when it gets to be too much.  And I don’t think I should stop talking to them.  I think I need them more than I ever have right now.  But I also need to just be able to talk without explanation or worrying about making sense.

When I explain my feelings to other people, I am doing just that for most of the time, explaining.  And I think it will be easier to explain and analyze and assist if I have this big pile of words to sort through more often.  That way we aren’t going line by line every time I get frustrated or sad or upset or annoyed or whatever I happen to be feeling.

So back to a blog a day.  Even if it is nonsense or three lines or an amazingly insightful revelation.  🙂

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