Ready for a long and rambling post?

I am trying to focus and remember.  What He says is what He means.  There is no reason for me to let it run around in my brain and get all jumbled up and misconstrued.  I am used to being lied to or led on, and He is not doing that.  I have to keep repeating all that to myself so that I remember.

I have found it hard to focus lately.  I have to be the rock right now.  Things are so shaky and tense here, that I have been the one that is supposed to be solid and stable.  This is a hard role for me to fill.  I am a big ball of goo and have no sense of my own outline, let alone the ability to hold all of this together.  I am trying, though.  I am getting a little better at it each day I think.

I have struggled as of late with somewhere to put my own feelings and issues.  He is such a big part of my emotional well-being.  And He just can’t hold me up right now.  It’s all He can do to hold Himself up.  He needs me too much right now for me to dump all of my stuff on Him too.  So I have to let Dellah or Panda help me.  And that is hard for me.  I am not a very trusting or open person emotionally.  I don’t cry or admit when I’m scared or sad.  Except to Him.  And I am having to let myself open up a little more to my friends so that I can be the strong one for Him right now.

I know that as long as I have a place for my feelings and thoughts and chaotic insides to go while we are going though this, that I will be able to stand strong next to Him.  And He has been helping me more than He should have to, honestly.  I should be able to make it a little while without spankings and hair-pulls and sweet words in my ear.  But I can’t.  And I know that it is unfair of me to ask Him to still be that way with me.  But it’s where I draw my strength.  Talking about my feelings and getting them out and having a place to put all the things that race through my head is so helpful to me.  But so is His firm hand.  I need the rules and control.

That has been the biggest thing that I am afraid of.  That we will just become this shadow of what we used to be.  That we will stay together, of course, because we will always be together.  But I won’t be His.  And we will both just be sad and depressed all the time.  I don’t want that.  Because when we are good, we are SO good.  And the thought of this pale and blurred version of us existing is just terrifying to me.  I know I would stay.  I will AWAYS stay.  I just want us to be the best that we can be.

There isn’t much update on Pam.  She is just kinda doing whatever for right now.  They spent the weekend with each other at a conference that she went to, and she is there for the next two days.  He said they had a good time and that things were as close to normal between them as they have been in a really long time.  It made me really happy to hear the smile in His voice when He talked about it.  But she has been flip-flopping and contradicting herself so much lately, that it makes me nervous for Him too.  He knows that it’s not all perfect now, of course, and there is still a lot of thinking and working things out that she needs to do, but I can tell that He just misses her.

It’s been a rough and wonderful few weeks, and I am sure that the amazingly hard road will continue for a while.  But we are together, finally.  We have each other to lean on, and I get to kiss Him every night before I go downstairs to bed every night.


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