Chaos

I have stayed away from the blog lately because things have been so hectic here.  I am still here with Him and Pam, but there is trouble on the home-front.  As I have mentioned before, He and Pam have been together for seven years.  And now it feels like they are falling apart.  And it’s been so hard to get the story straight.

I don’t even want to tell the story again, to be honest.  I’ve talked about it and thought about it and dealt with it almost constantly for more than a week now.  And I really just wanna tell MY side!  I want to cry and scream and yell and throw a fit for ME!  I have to be strong for them.  I have to be the glue and the backbone right now.  And I know that I can’t do that if I keep all of MY feelings inside forever.  So I’ll get some of it out here, so that I make sure I have enough strength for them.

I am angry.  Angry with her that she is hurting him like this.  She is whining and complaining about how she needs space and needs to have some emotional freedom.  And she’s felt this way for YEARS.  That’s right, years.  I am trying to not be angry with her, but it is really hard.  I am watching her hurt the man I love.  I am watching her indecisiveness tear Him apart.

I’m conflicted with it because I love her too.  I want her to be happy, no matter what that means.  I want her to have all the things and feelings and experiences in life that fulfill and complete her.  I want her to be a happy person who lives out her dreams.  I want to see her grow and flourish and shine.  I just don’t want her to do it at the expense of anyone else.  And it feels like that is what she is doing. It feels like she is just doing whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

I know that she is good and nice.  And I try to remember all this.  I try to keep in my mind that she isn’t trying to hurt anyone, and that the hurt is just an unfortunate side effect of her feelings.  And that it will all work out and everything will be okay.  Because thinking that is the only thing that makes ME strong enough to help them through this.

I am also scared.  I am scared that she is going to hurt Him so badly that there won’t be anything left of Him for me.  I am afraid that my imperfect happiness that I have found because of Him is going to go away.  I am scared that He will just be this broken and empty shell if she is gone.  I am terrified that my strong man will go away.  I will love Him no matter what.  I will be His no matter what He becomes or doesn’t become.  But it will be so hard to have had this little piece of perfection go away.

He is my heart.  And if she kills Him, it will kill me.  And it just seems so unfair!  Does she not realize that she is hurting other people too?  Does she not realize that her actions are changing the lives of everyone around her?  I know that she needs her feelings to be heard and that she needs her happiness too.  I am trying not to sound selfish here, but what about me?  What about Him?  Why is she so important that she can just destroy other people on a whim of self-discovery?

I know I sound awful.  But I think it is important for me to get some of these thoughts out, so that they aren’t living in my head.  I need to be able to focus on helping and making the best of the situation.  I need to keep my eyes ahead of me and fixed on the bigger picture.  But I matter too, and I know that.  And I have people who love me and will help me as I stay strong for Him and Pam.  It will be a tough road.  One that I think has us all together, but on a different path and in a different direction than we had originally planned.  And that will take some adjustment and patience and time.  But we can do it.  I can do it.

*deep breath* It will all be okay.  I need to post more.  I need to pour out my feelings more.  I can’t get lost in this.  I have to remember that I am a person too, and that I have needs and feelings and wants and that I am important. *deep breath*

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