No motivation

I’m not very happy with myself lately.  I’ve lost the focus and motivation to keep exercising and watching what I eat.  This happens just about every time I make this plan.  I decide I want to not be healthier and in better shape, and I do really well for a few weeks, and then I just quit.  I had hoped that having a record of it would motivate me more, but it just isn’t.  I forget to write in the food journal, and there is no exercise to report in the exercise journal.  I wish I could figure this out.

I WANT to lose weight and get in better shape.  I am not happy with the size that I am right now.  I do not like the way I look, and I am most often just plain disgusted by the image of myself in a mirror.  But for some reason, I never can stick with it long enough to actually see any real results.  And that is the part that is aggravating.

I’m used to being bigger than I want to be.  I’m used to being the chubby girl.  And I’m used to hating that.  Maybe that’s it.  Maybe I am scared to get skinny, because I don’t know how to be that.  I don’t know how to not hate my body.  The thought of being happy with what I look like is terrifying to me.  I can’t imagine not complaining and wanting to change it.  Perhaps that is why I never stick with it long enough to see any actual change.

What would I do if I could fit into a size 9 again?  Or smaller even?  How would I even handle that?  What would I do if I could actually look good in my clothes instead of wearing things to cover up the rolls and hide the fat?  How does one even shop for a bathing suit?  Shorts?  I have no idea about the answers to these questions.

I have been overweight  for 10 years now.  Wow.  I guess I had never really thought about that.  Ten freaking years.  That’s too long.  It’s becoming who I am, instead of just temporary weight I put on because I was busy having babies.  I was hoping that He would help with my motivation, and that knowing how happy it would make Him to see me smaller than I am now would push me and get me moving.  But it hasn’t.  I have been slacking on the exercise and nibbling sugar and sweets at every opportunity.

I will not end this with a promise.  I will not now vow to start up again.  But I will start keeping the food journal again.  I will update it every day like I used to.  And I will start searching inside me for the motivation.


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