Explanations

I’m good with questions.  I usually answer with far more information than was needed or requested.  But lately, I’ve been asked some hard ones.  I’ve been asked to define and explain the love that He and I share, and the D/s dynamic between us.  And while it all makes perfect sense to me, I am finding it difficult to put into words.  I would imagine this is a pretty common thing, as so much of this is a feeling, and not a word or even a concept.  I have a very good friend who is starting out on this journey as well, and she is, expectedly, full of questions for me.  A bit surprising in a way are the questions that her husband has had for me also.  I guess he is seeking insight into the inner-workings of her mind, since she confides so much in me. So, I thought maybe it would be helpful, for Panda and Haunt, and also for me, if I let my fingers move and try to explain a few things.

He and I love this way.  This isn’t a game we play or something that we do to get off.  Sex is part of it, of course, but this is much more about the bond between us than it is how we fuck.  It is something that, for both of us, is unique to the other.  I am submissive only to Him, and He is dominant only with me.  While we have defined it a bit amongst the two of us in the past few months, we have been this way from the beginning.  I have always been a bit hard to manage (okay, okay…A LOT hard to manage) in relationships.  I did whatever the hell I wanted, expected the other person to bend to me, and never stopped to consider how my own actions might be causing problems.  Of course, it wasn’t always my fault.  I was with some real jerks.  But I wasn’t an angel either.  And He and I both saw that allowing me to continue to be that way would cause us to crumble and fall apart, just like all my other relationships.  And neither of us were willing to let that happen.  I started to feel like there was something that could fix it.  Something that would tame me and help me be the girl He needed and wanted, and the girl I needed and wanted to be, but would still allow me my own spirit and personality.  I knew that I could just shut up and be quiet, and that would fix it, but we didn’t want that.  He didn’t want a doormat, and I didn’t want to be ignored.  We also knew that we could continue the way we were, and I would fight us to death, and we would both end up battered and broken when it eventually ended.  There had to be middle ground.  There had to be something that would enhance our love, and not stifle it.

And, almost by accident, I found Sephani’s blog…more specifically, her letter to her Master.  I found it when I was Googling the completion of a silly little “Things to Never Say to Your Master” list that Dellah sent me (this is why I say almost accident…I feel like maybe she was nudging me in that direction, after having listened to both of us search for answers).  I cried when I read it.  It made so much sense to me, and made me feel like maybe, just maybe, I had found something that could help us.  But He was just so vanilla.  Well, cherry vanilla, He claimed.  I was scared He would scream NO! and I would be back to searching for something that may not exist.  But I oh-so-nervously sent Him a link to that post, and anxiously waited for His response.  I sent Him the post right before bed, and He sent a simple response that He was not freaked out by it, and we would talk more about it the next day.

Fast-forward through a lot of discussion and trial and error, and while we by no means have it all figured out, we are now much happier with having Him in charge.  I think the biggest shock has been how easily He has taken to His role, and how much I have been fighting mine.  He’s not perfect, but I guess I assumed that He would struggle more with this than I would.  I figured since I suggested it, and it moved me so much to read about being firmly under His hand, that it would be relatively simple for me to be a good girl.  But it’s not.  It kinda feels like detox in a way.  Like He has me locked in a little room, and I am suffering withdraws from being the mean little girl I used to be.  I have quiet and calm periods, but inevitably, the fight comes back.  And I am bad and defiant.  I am trying, and He is too.  It is easiest for me when I know precisely what is expected of me.

The rules I do know are comforting to me.  I know how and why they work, and when I act within them, I am rewarded.  I know that when I address Him, I am to use His name.  He does not want to be called Master or Sir, so His name is used in requests and answers.  If I want to eat or drink something that could be considered unhealthy, I must ask, and I must ask properly.  If I want to go somewhere or do something, I must ask properly.  If I want or need to have an orgasm, alone or with Him, I must ask permission first.  I am His toy, and I must ask before I play with what is His.  If I have an issue or a concern I must tell Him about it, and I must be sweet and kind when I bring it up to Him.  I am not allowed to bottle up my emotions and feelings and allow them to fester and eventually boil over.  If I need a reminder of to whom I belong, I must ask like a good girl for the words I need to hear, or the firm touch that I ache for, instead of sulking or pouting or being passive-aggressive.

He is quite good at sensing my needs, and most often I do not have to ask for the reminders that I am His.  When I am stressed, He grabs my hair and reminds me that I am His girl.  He knows the way that pain centers and focuses me, and He does an amazing job of delivering the spankings and hair-pulling that I need to quiet my thoughts and focus my energy.  He knows that hurting, and more specifically, hurting for Him, fills me in a way that nothing else does.  It helps slow my mind and, if only for a moment, focus my thoughts on the wholeness that is His love and protection.  My mind races with 1,000 thoughts most of the time.  But when His hand is tugging at my hair or spanking my ass, I can only hear Him, only think about Him, and get a moment of peace and quiet.  A moment or two when being His is all that matters.  It gives me strength and purpose to handle all the rest that exists outside of Him.

The comfort of knowing that He will always take care of me and protect me calms me as well.  I know that He knows what is best for me and everything He says or does is done with my best interest at the core of His decisions.  I say that I know that, but, in all honesty, I struggle with it.  Not because I question Him or His motives, but because I have been lied to a lot.  Those that were supposed to protect me and love me and care for me let me down and left me alone.  So while I know that He is worthy of my trust and devotion, I still fight myself on it at times.  This frustrates Him to no end.  I try really really hard to be absolute in my faith in Him, but at times I challenge Him, sometimes on purpose.  I present situations where He must prove His ability to protect me.  And He never fails.  Ever.  But that needs to stop.  I can’t keep pushing and questioning Him.  He has proven His devotion to my happiness enough times.  I have been working with a mantra of “He loves me.  He takes care of me.  I am His.”  I spend a few minutes in a hot shower every morning and evening repeating those words to myself so that it will eventually become a part of me.  And I won’t have to fight and kick and scream.

As I said, most of what this means to us is the way we love.  And it is a way to protect and keep the love that we share.  But, as I also mentioned, there is the sexual and physical aspect of this as well.  I am supposed to be, and am, the embodiment of fantasy for Him.  He prefers me shaved, soft, and smooth, on all parts of my body, save my head and eyebrows.  He prefers me in a skirt or a dress and shirts that are feminine and not just an old t-shirt.  He likes my toenails and fingernails painted with the color most often selected by Him.  He loves when I doll myself up for Him, putting on make-up and spending time fixing my hair.  None of these things are rules or required, but I am aware of how it makes Him feel to know that I am doing my part to make my body and appearance the way that is most appealing to Him, so I am glad to take the steps necessary to please Him in that way.

I am also in a service role to Him.  I cook for Him and clean for Him when I am with Him.  I am in the process of organizing His apartment, so that it is easier to navigate and locate things.  I am most happy when I am in this servant girl role to Him.  I have written about that already here and here, so I won’t go into it and repeat myself too much in this post.  But I will summarize and say that when I am in that place where I am performing a service for Him, it is bliss for me.  I ache for it to be my forever job, and I dream about taking care of Him and His house.  I have battled with having help with this from Pam, but I am realizing the selfishness of that, and am moving past marking my territory in this area.  Recognizing the difference in our motivations and in His reactions to both of us has been helpful and good.  I do those things for Him because my job is to make Him happy.  She does those things to spend time with me and because they need to be done.  Pitching a fit about it takes away from the joy I get out of it, and causes my motives to be questioned.  So I am learning to relax there.  Pam is my partner just as much as He is, just in a different way.  And her offer of help is not meant to step on my toes, but to bond with me and find a rhythm with me.

The relationship is often complicated and a lot of hard work.  And there are many aspects of it that seem to conflict with the D/s dynamic that He and I have between us.  But these difficulties aside, I have a deep-seated need to be His.  I often feel that I was born with this desire.  I was created to be His.  I was created to belong to Him and to be His possession.  I am often overwhelmed with the feeling of pure joy that I get when I think on the topic of being His girl.  I have many times tried to put it into words, and while I have come close and made people say, “Oh, yeah…I get that,” I still feel that there aren’t words in any language that I know that can accurately describe any feeling that I have for Him.  I know that my body, my mind, my soul, and everything else in between was made just for Him.  Just for Him to keep and use in any way He sees fit.

And I trust Him with that.  I trust Him to make my choices for me.  I trust Him to let me make my own.  We have only one discussed limit.  And that is that His control of me can never influence, effect, or include anyone other than the two of us.  I mean include in the sense that His commands can only control my actions, and won’t ever require anything of anyone else in order for me to do as I was told.  I have nothing that I won’t do for or because of Him.  I will do absolutely anything He asks of me, and follow any orders He gives me.  I would say that I have “no limits,” but that isn’t exactly true.  I have no personal limits outside of the one above, but I do and will follow His.  And any limits that I would have to set down are His as well, so this is not something that I worry about.

I also have no safeword.  I asked for one and was told that I didn’t need one.  My request came after a rather intense week, and I broke down.  I asked for the safeword so that I could protect myself from the break down in the future, but He was afraid I would over-use it.  I can see His point, and He is most likely right.  I would like to think that I would only use it in the extreme situations,  but I know myself well enough to wonder, and therefore trust His judgment on this one. Since my submission to Him is for the most part emotional, I did not ask for the safeword to protect me from any physical harm.  We have yet to get even close to any kind of physical extreme, and while our sex is often rough or intense, I am not put even close to something that could hurt me on a permanent basis.

We don’t follow any D/s guides, and we have no plans to join a group or community.  I have branched out and sought relationships with other kinksters, but that is more in a “Wow!  You love gardening, too!” way than a meet and greet way.  He will never share me with any other person, aside from Pam, and we will never “scene” or “play.”  That is the biggest part of this for us really, that this be just ours.  That we do this our way, in ways that work to enhance our relationship.  Of course a lot of what we do is similar to others involved in this sort of relationship, but that is merely a coincidence and not a condition.  I am His, and I will be until I take my last breath.  My submission is something I give only ever to Him.  He controls and commands only me.

He is the reason I breathe and the inspiration for every fantasy.  He is my home and the other half of my soul.  I am delightfully happy and content to be His for the rest of my life.  Nothing can or ever will change His love for me.  He wants to keep me forever.  And in order to do that, I have to follow the rules.  Not because I’m not good enough as I am, but because I am better when I am His.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sephani Paige
    Jul 21, 2010 @ 08:34:55

    nope. never gets old reading how my cold induced ramblings helped you both find a relationship that so intimate its frightening sometimes 🙂 thanks for the link!

    Reply

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