I gotta try harder

I’m trying really hard to learn.  And sometimes it feels like I never will.  Like I will always be bad and I will never learn.  That isn’t what I want.  I want to be a good girl.  I want Him to not have to worry about getting upset with me.  But for some reason I have been struggling a lot lately.  I am picking fights again and getting into trouble.  I have figured out a bit of a pattern.  I could be wrong, but I think I may have figured out the fight.

When there is an issue, a big issue, an issue that really matters and is a really big deal, weighing on my mind, I find other things to get upset about so that I don’t have to think about the issue, let alone deal with it.  I knew this, for the most part already, but I didn’t see the bigger picture of it.  I just thought that I avoided confrontation and real communication by starting arguments.  And that is still true.  But I think it’s bigger than that.  I think I’m not going deep enough.

I fucked up something awful today.  There is mean, manipulative, bratty, bad, and out of control, and then there is the way that I was acting earlier.  I was rude and disrespectful, I talked back and threw a fit.  I blamed Him and insulted the very core of our relationship.  I was bad.  Really really bad.  I am grateful and lucky that He even wants me around anymore after the mess I caused earlier.

And all because I’m scared.  I was trying to push Him away.  I was challenging His control and trying to piss Him off to the point that He left me alone.  Because I’m scared.  This is what I do.  I get afraid, so I try to destroy.  I try to prove myself right, kinda.  Like if I can make Him not want me anymore, then I was stupid for having the thoughts and hopes and dreams in the first place.  If I can get Him to leave me, then I can justify in my own mind that I am stupid and worthless and unlovable, and just be miserable and alone.

But I don’t want to be alone.  I want to be with Him.  I need to be His.  So I have to stop fighting.  I have to acknowledge the issue.  I have to admit it, talk about it, work through it.  I can’t pick something that doesn’t even matter, or if it does is something that will work out and need not be worried about and then start a war over it.  I have to be calm and sweet and handle my problems and issues like a good girl.  And it scares me that I still fight.  He said He was afraid that He was having no effect and that I wasn’t learning anything.  And it’s not true.  There are so many times that I don’t fight.  And I guess it’s easier to count the bad than it is to count the good.  But it’s the REALLY big issues that I am struggling with now.  It used to be just the smaller stuff that I made into a huge issue.  But now it is big issues that I am breaking apart into smaller ones to fight about.

Today the big issue was that I want us to be a family.  The weekend went so well.  It was perfect almost.  A good mix of happy/calm and crazy/loud.  It was a fair representation of what it is like to live and be with my and my kids day-to-day, and I was quite content and pleased with the way it went.  And that makes me want it more.  I was already aching for it.  I have been dreaming about the five of us together for weeks now, and we all got to play house this past weekend.  And while there are minor things that would have to be worked out, for the most part it was perfection.  And rather than telling Him that I want more of that, and that it made my heart happy and complete to have both sides of me functioning in tandem, I picked a fight over something stupid.  I got mad that Pam was cleaning.

Am I really mad that Pam is cleaning the apartment?  No, of course not.  I’m mad because I’m not there to do it.  I’m not there to help or do it, or whatever.  I am stuck at my crappy apartment, just aching and longing to be there.  If I had been there this morning, Pam wouldn’t have had to do any of it.   Because I would have been there to take care of it.  But I got territorial and hurt and mad for the wrong reasons.  I took it out on Pam and Him.  I threw a fit and kicked and screamed and tried to scare Him away.  Because I was scared to admit that I want more.

I want us to be a family.  I want us to live together.  I want all five of us to be together every day.  I want to wake up there every day, and I want to raise my children with them.  I want all three of us to grow old together.  I want us to go to school plays together and take family vacations.  I want them forever.  And that TERRIFIES me.  It scares me to admit it and it scares me to want it.  It scares me to ask for it, and it scares me to think I might get it.  It scares me that He will say He doesn’t want it too.  It scares me that He will say He does.

So I figured if I pushed Him away, none of that would matter.  Because then I would be alone with the kids, and He would have left me, and I wouldn’t have to fear rejection from Him.  But instead, I hurt Him and made Him sad and angry.  And that is never what I want.  Even when I fight, I don’t want to hurt Him.  I know that sounds weird and confusing, but it’s true.  I don’t ever want Him to hurt.  That’s why it’s so dumb that I do this.  Because I know it hurts Him when I act like that.  I know that it upsets Him.  But I’m bad and I do it anyway.  That is why I question whether I even can be good.  What if I can’t?  What if I’m just a horrible person, and He loves me too much to see that?  How do I fix it?  I just want to be His good little girl.  I need to try harder.  Much harder.

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