Silly frustration

I couldn’t sleep last night.  I was up a lot later than I should have been.  I couldn’t calm my mind down.  I tried concentrating and breathing to clear my head.  I tried counting.  I tried writing a story in my mind.  But nothing worked.  I think it was made worse because I knew what would calm me down.  I knew what would make me feel better, but He wasn’t available.  Well, He WAS He just forgot to say good night to me again last night.

It happens fairly often.  I know that it is not my place to demand anything of Him.  I know that He knows how to take care of me, and that I don’t need to whine and throw a fit all the time.  But I so often feel left out of His day-to-day life.  Simply due to the nature of the relationship being long distance and a complicated little triad.  And two simple little words at the close of every day make me feel so much better.  I feel loved and acknowledged and part of things.  I feel like I am in His mind, and that He wants me there.  But when He doesn’t say good night?  I feel like He has forgotten about me.

He is in my thoughts all the time.  I see something that makes me think of Him, His voice pops into my head, something funny we did plays like a movie behind my eyes.  I am very aware of Him all the time.  I don’t just sit and think about Him every second, but at least every few minutes I am reminded of how much I love Him.  And when He “forgets” to say good night to me, I feel like I didn’t even cross His mind.  It’s like He went about what He was doing with His evening, and then brushed His teeth, took off His clothes, got in bed, closed His eyes, and went to sleep.  And not one single moment in that time did He even remember that He loves me.  Because if He had, then He would have called, or e-mailed, or texted.  But He didn’t.

Either that or He did think of me, but just didn’t really care that it means so much to me to have those words before bed.  So much that it keeps me awake if I don’t hear them.  I don’t know which one of those hurts worse, honestly.  I hate when I have feelings like this.  Because He is so good and so understanding.  And it is so rare that He actually hurts my feelings.  And by that I mean that it wasn’t just a misunderstanding.  This isn’t a misunderstanding.  He knows that I get sad and I don’t sleep well if I don’t get that sweet little good night from Him.

And I feel kinda at a loss.  I don’t want to feel like I’m bossing Him around and telling Him what to do.  He is so good at sensing what I need and want and then giving it to me without me asking.  But this, this is something I have plain as day said to Him, “Please tell me good night.  It hurts my feelings, makes it hard for me to sleep, and makes me feel unwanted when you don’t.”  And most nights He does it.  But I don’t think it’s because it means so much to me.  I think it is because it is the natural closure to a conversation had right before bedtime.

I know it’s silly.  Of course He loves me.  He didn’t just forget about me and stop loving me one night.  He wants to keep me forever.  So my logical mind knows that it is stupid to be upset about something as ridiculous as two little words.  But I guess it’s just one of those things that means a lot but you can’t really explain why.  It tears me up when I feel cast aside or like an inconvenience.  And that’s what it is, I guess.  Two little words before I close my eyes remind me that He wants me to be His girl for keeps.  And that’s silly.  I need to reach back into that big Bag ‘o Happy that I have.

I need to relax and realize that He’s not being mean or inconsiderate.  And of course He thinks about me before He goes to sleep.  Just because He gets distracted with other tasks and other obligations, doesn’t mean His heart has abandoned mine.  I need to learn to breathe and be a patient and good little fairy.

*exhales*

Okay.  I feel better now.  Off to do other things now.  There’s some things to get done before the weekend can start this evening, and I don’t want to feel rushed later.  This is a big weekend.  I need to stay a step ahead so I don’t get overwhelmed and frustrated.  🙂


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