Light bulbs came on in this post

I drew a terrible blank yesterday.  I clicked “New Post” a few times, stared for a second, and then clicked away.  It wasn’t even worth the effort yesterday.  I was flustered and mad at myself, and nothing I typed would have come out in any kind of good way.  I’m still not sure if this blog can get me in trouble or not, so until I figure that out, I may just not write on days I get in trouble, so as to not type with an attitude. 🙂

Everything has happened really fast the past few days, and I am having some trouble processing it and normalizing it.  I am okay one minute, and then the next I am upset and worried.  I know this is what I wanted.  I asked for this.  I asked Him to take charge of me and make me His.  And it’s not like He didn’t do that until a few days ago, I was always His.  But we had a kinda steady pace going.  We were moving along kinda slow, feeling this out, see what worked for us.  And then out of nowhere almost, He slammed the gas pedal to the floor, and hasn’t let up since.

You know, that’s actually a really good way to describe it.  We are moving so fast now, that I can’t really see what’s around me.  I know it will be okay.  I trust Him, He won’t hurt me, nothing bad will happen…but it’s just so fast.  I’m dizzy and I can’t seem to catch my breath or my footing.  And I’m scared to say anything, because I don’t want to seem like I don’t have faith that He is going to take care of me.  He’s changed in the past few days.  He has instantly become this powerful, dominant, commanding force, and I didn’t get so much as a tap on the shoulder to tell me to hold on first.

I am most certain I sound oh so contradictory.  I wanted this, but now I’m afraid of it.  I asked for this, and now I sound unsure.  It confuses me too.  I’ve talked about it over and over the past few days, and I would imagine that Dellah is seconds from not even logging on, for fear she will have to listen to more of my waffling.  She’s been nothing but helpful and supportive throughout all of this journey, and oftentimes she gives me the swift kick in the ass that I need to refocus.  But it seems no amount of conversation can soothe the fear that my sweet boy is gone.  I know that He’s not, but I haven’t seen much of the mushy and squishy side of Him in the past few days.

How demanding can a girl get?  “Please, be tough with me!  I need you to be in control.  I need to be just yours.  Your pet, your possession, your toy, your girl…Whoa!  Too fast!  Slow down!  Be sweet to me, let me throw a fit and be mean…Wait…I need a reminder of who is in charge, that’s what this attitude of mine means…Baby, just hold me.”  That’s what it feel like I’ve been saying, and I feel bad about it.  I am confusing myself as much as Him and everyone else lately.  But the perfect part?  The part that calms me down, even though I feel like I am falling apart lately?  He isn’t letting up.  He is staying steady and firm.  He isn’t letting my reservations distract Him.  He’s been in charge, in control, and firmly loving the past few days.

I am sure that’s why I’ve been feeling resistant.  There’s something to push up against now.  Before He was selectively firm, and if I said it just right, or caught Him at just the right time, I won.  I got to pitch my fit and start a fight.  I got to have the upper hand and be in charge.  And I got a sick satisfaction out of it.  I knew I needed a firmer hand from Him, and I asked for it.  And I pushed and fought and kicked and screamed to see what He would do.  And for a while He let me.  I got away with it.  But not lately.  He stops me long before I even start now.  He stops me even when I’m not fighting.  And that’s when I get resistant and angry with Him.

But that’s not fair.  I’ve done this to myself.  He expects me to be a challenge, so even when I’m not being one, He is assuming I will be.  And I have no right to be upset about that.  It was my behavior and my actions that have clouded the way He sees me and the way He reacts to me.  I can be a good girl.  And He knows that.  But I don’t get to just say it yet.  I have to prove it.  I was a mean and spiteful and hurtful girl for almost a year.  My words mean nothing.  I’ve promised to behave 100 times, and every time I go back on my word.  So now He’s getting tough with me.  And if it pisses me off, I have no one to blame but myself.

He has yet to be mean to me.  I doubt He ever will.  Anything I interpret that way is just that, me seeing it that way.  His intention is only to shape and mold and help and fix and correct and love His girl.  And He’s got a tough job.  I’m a brat and a challenge.  I don’t envy His role.  But the only thing I can do is try to make it easier for Him.  Try to see the correction for what it really is: His love.  Because that’s all that He’s doing, no matter what.  On His end of things, it’s just love.

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