Just one of those days

I have days when I am content.  I am not often blissfully happy, but I am functional.  I get up in the morning, make my coffee, and begin my day.  I have grumbles and gripes as the day progresses, but in general I am okay.  I play with my kids, and I talk to my friends.  I make meals and I clean my apartment.  I fix my hair and put on makeup.  I put on clothes and make my bed.  I am normal and functional and sane.  Sometimes on these days I even smile and laugh and make jokes.  These are my good days.

But they aren’t the only kinds of days I have.  I have bad days too.  I have days where it is an honest struggle to get out of bed.  I am irritable and cranky.  I have no appetite and can barely bring myself to drink a cup of coffee.  Everything makes me sad, and the littlest things feel like my world crashing down around me.

Some days are even better than good.  Some days I can’t stop the happy, and I feel like my thoughts are gonna just bust out of my head.  I can’t sit still and I can’t concentrate on just one thing for more than a few minutes.  I obsessively clean things, and I sing and dance for no reason.  I go out for walks, and I get an insatiable sexual appetite.

This is no secret, either.  Everyone around me knows.  And not just from observation.  They see it, of course.  They see the happy girl one day, and the lifeless mess the next.  But I’ve also told them.  I’ve been sweet and said, “I think something is wrong with me,” and I’ve been mean and shouted, “HELP ME PLEASE, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!” And in response, I get one of a few things:

“Are you hungry?  You should eat something.  You always get crabby when you are hungry.”  That one is a favorite of my mom.  It’s usually that or some variation of it.  Hungry, tired, “that time,” bored.  Always some reason or excuse, but never a hug or actual helpful suggestions.  Never an acknowledgement of what I am saying.

“I bet it’s hard being a single mom.  You probably get really stressed out.  You should take some time just for you, to relax.”  I hear that most often from friends and acquaintances.  Yes, it’s true.  Being a single mother of two young children is difficult, and oftentimes very stressful.  But that does not explain that I have felt this way most of my life.  I’ve had kids for four and a half years now.  What about the other twenty plus years that I felt like this?

“Wow.  You are a terrible person.  You should get some help.”  That’s the answer, or some variation of it, that I get from my ex.  He loves to tell me that I’m crazy.  He always did.  No matter how much I used to beg for his help, he would just remind me that I’m nuts, and should work on that before I worry about anything else.  Even now when I ask for more help with the kids so I can try and relax (as per the suggestion above), he just laughs at me.

So I’m stuck in this endless cycle of happy/sad.  I don’t know how else to ask for help.  I don’t know who else to turn to.  I’ve told everyone that I am close to, and while some are quite supportive with their words, most just don’t know what to do with me.  Most people just get nervous and change the subject when I say things like being two steps outside of being committed, or that I would love to just sleep without the pressure of having to wake up afterward.

I’d like to mention here, that I’m not stupid.  I know how much this sounds like Bipolar Disorder, or at the very least a case depression.  But my lack of health insurance keeps me out of a doctor’s office.  So as much as it upsets me that no one will help me, I am smart enough to realize that there is only so much people can do.

I have found this blog to be quite helpful with keeping the extremes at bay.  I get my feelings out and I have a place here where I feel safe to just feel. I have no idea what brought on the sad this morning.  But I woke up feeling like I weigh 1,000 pounds.  I am so tired, even though I got a full night of rest.  I had to force a cup of coffee down this morning, and I made myself exercise.  I don’t feel better.  Not even a little.  And I won’t for the next few days or so.  The sad usually doesn’t last longer than a week or so, though.  And I’ve gotten so used to it by now, that I can rationalize a lot better whilst in the middle of it.

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