I know that sometimes I want too much.  But there are only a few things that I really need or just have to have.  And one of those is a good night ritual of sorts.  Not in the “here is a list of stuff you have to do/say before we end the day,” but a simple request of “please don’t go to bed without telling me good night and that you love me.”  Even just a simple one line e-mail is okay.  I NEED to read and hear those words often.  Much of the time I feel second best and not good enough, and this is one of those little ways that make me feel like I matter.

Unfortunately, the opposite has a strong result too.  It hurts and makes me sad, and I toss and turn once I do finally get to sleep.  I don’t know exactly why this is, but I suspect it has something to do with my mind going crazy with worry that He doesn’t want me anymore.  My logical mind knows this isn’t true, of course, but the scared little girl in me is certain He is done with me.  It often bothers me how much I need the reassurance, how I need to hear it over and over, and how it doesn’t last very long until I need to hear it again.

But I do.  And I’ve been such a sweet girl when telling Him.  I’ve calmly and nicely explained how much it means to me when He takes the time to make sure He’s said good night to me, no matter what.  How it makes me feel important and special and loved.  I’ve also told Him how much it hurts when He doesn’t.  How I can’t fall asleep and how I get so sad.  And I guess that makes it that much worse.  He knows. And yet is choosing, either on purpose or because it’s just too much to remember, to not give me that one little thing.  And it really is just that, a little thing.  And it makes me feel like garbage that He knows how important it is to me, but sometimes He can forget.

This is all made worse by Him having an actual good reason for signing off before I got home and not saying anything to me.  And I felt bad for His headache, I really did.  It made me feel even worse that I was upset and sad and He was hurting.  But I really felt like I would have been more sympathetic and understanding if this was a rare occurrence.  But it happens often enough that I wasn’t really affected.  Headache or not, typing two little words in an e-mail and hitting send can’t really be that hard.  Hell, He could have had Pam type the e-mail.  I doubt I would have known the difference.

Pam did get online to tell me why He had signed off.  And the result of that was a really amazing conversation between her and I.  We both said a lot of things that we needed to say to each other.  Things that we had been saying to Him or keeping inside, but never saying to each other.  We had some realizations, too.  We realized that it is time for us to take over a little bit when it comes to managing the triad.  He is trying to juggle us both individually and together, and it has become too much for Him to handle alone.

This doesn’t make Him weak or even mean that He’s doing it wrong, just that He now needs our help.  They way He is handling it isn’t working for everyone anymore, so it’s time to make some changes.  It’s time she and I set the pace for this and take the reins.  He is just sitting around loving us and waiting for some kinda of idyllic perfection, and no one is taking an active role in helping us work as a unit.  So we are getting organized.

We were all against scheduling and having set “dates” that belonged to any of us.  We wanted it to be natural and organic.  But that isn’t really working.  Pam and I are at times feeling left out, or neglected, and that is not fair to either of us.  She has feelings that are valid and need to be heard, and so do I.  So we are gonna have sit-down talks about them.  We are all gonna be there, and we are all gonna be heard.  We are gonna have more of a clear-cut idea of what we are doing, and ways we are all working to make us stronger as a triad.

It terrifies me that if we continue the way we are right now, that we will just fall apart and fail.  And that isn’t an option for any of us.  None of us want this to end and none of us will accept it going away.  So we have to put in more effort.  Pam and I are most certain He will hate this idea.  We don’t care.  It will benefit us all, and He can throw a fit if He wants to.  We would rather Him be upset about a schedule and a calendar than be upset because the triad falls apart and we are all alone.


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