Big ‘o bag of happy!

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  My emotions and feelings got ahead of me, and before I even had time to process what I was feeling, I was halfway to anger.  And once I’m that close to it, it is oh so hard to pull me back from it.  I let little things dig into my skin and I take things all wrong.  And that’s what happened yesterday.  That doesn’t mean that a lot of that post is invalid or that I don’t have those feelings.  All it means is that I need to take a deep breath and make sure I am a sweet girl when I say all of that.  Of course I have concerns that stem from being in the secondary role.  Of course there are times when I feel left out or unwanted.  Of course there are times when it is really really hard.  But that doesn’t give me the right to blow up and scream and yell.  Part of the benefit of the blog and my journal is that I can scream and yell there and not AT Him.  But eventually, I would like to be able to not need the blog to vent my anger and frustration, I would like to be able to handle it the way I should.

The part that was important to me that I mention here today is my reaction to Him missing her.  I was a bitch.  There is no other way to say it.  Is it okay that it stings a little when He misses her when He’s with me?  I don’t think so anymore.  I think it was yesterday.  I think those feelings that came up from hearing Him say He would miss her needed to be acknowledged (hell, they started a huge rant…clearly something is there that needs to be dealt with) and confronted and analyzed and healed.  And it was surprisingly easy.

I am not a jealous person by nature.  That is one of the reasons that this relationship is even an option for me.  However, coupled with the lack of jealousy is extreme insecurity.  This is why I need and want to hear Him tell me that I’m His so often.  Not just because it sends shivers down my spine (and it does!  EVERY time!), but because I honestly forget.  Okay, not “forget,” but it starts to slip and I can’t feel it the way I did the minute before.  I’m rational and sane, and I have an absolute belief in His love for me, so I know that He’s not going to just randomly decide that He doesn’t want me anymore, but I NEED to hear it, and hear it often.  He is amazing with this.  He knows this about me, and reminds me all the time that I am His, I am safe, and He will never let me go.  And that is wonderful.

There are times when I am reminded that while He does a superb job of making Pam and I both feel loved and secure and wanted,  I still feel that pang of envy occasionally.  And I think one of the reasons I often overreact to it is that I honestly don’t feel it that often.  So when I do, it startles me, and instead of addressing a momentary jealousy, I freak out and chaos ensues.  And that is what happened yesterday.  Instead of quietly addressing that jealousy with myself and analyzing it like I’m doing here and did with a good friend (henceforth referred to as Dellah) last night, I flipped out and was mean and hurtful.  “If you put your desire to feel hurt and abandoned above being there when someone you love needs you, you don’t really want them to feel better.” She was right.  I was putting those minor jealousies, that are now non-existent and healed, over and above His need to have me wrap my arms around Him and tell Him that it is okay and that He is as safe and loved in my arms as I am in His.  And I should have realized that sooner.  I should have seen that He needs me more than I need validation in that specific situation.  I get that proof all the time.  And I what I need to learn is that just because I need to hear it all the time, doesn’t mean that I don’t have a big ‘o bag of happy that I can draw from in situations like that.  I need to dip into my reserves when I feel that first sting of jealous, soothe myself with knowing that I am loved and important, and that what He needs is for me to reassure Him that it’s okay that He loves us both.  Because it is.

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