Secondary

I am a tad annoyed.  This post might not make much sense, but I think I will feel better if I get it out…So, sorry in advance for the nonsensical rambling…

As is mentioned here, He and I are not the only ones involved in this relationship.  There is a she that makes up the third, and I will call her Pam.  He and Pam live together, and have for a very long time.  This is, of course, the way it was when this started between He and I, so I keep that in mind when I get frustrated.  I have, as of late, felt very much like I was somewhat mis-lead in the starting of this.  I tried really hard to communicate that I needed and wanted a relationship with both of them separately and together.  I tried to let them both know that the individual relationships were important to me, and that I didn’t want to just be “joining them.”  I want and need a bond with her, and a bond with Him, and a bond as a triad.  To me, without that, the relationship can’t and doesn’t work.  And for a long time, it was working that way.  But, as of late, it seems that it is almost required that everything be a group activity, and that just doesn’t work for me, because of the way it seems to work when it is all of us together .  For lots of reasons, but the main reason is that it makes me feel less than.  It makes me feel like their pet and their toy, something I am in no way comfortable being.

We have talked about this, over and over we have discussed this.  And I am often left confused, because no one ever says to me that what I want out of this is unreasonable, but that is the way I interpret both of their actions and words most of the time.  I feel like I’m a new shiny toy for them to play with, and because of that, I have to sit and wait to be played with and don’t get to make any demands.  It is important for me, as the secondary, to make sure that it is acknowledged that this is in fact my relationship too, and that my voice is just as important as theirs.  I am aware that there are certain things that I don’t get a vote on, and I am okay with that, for now.  But if it isn’t exclusive to their finances or something of that nature, I expect to have a vote and I expect that vote to be counted with as much weight as theirs.  This is supposed to be a triangular-shaped relationship.  And if my side has to be the short side, then I don’t think it can work for me.

There is a lot that I don’t get to do.  A lot that I don’t get to vote on.  If they go out to dinner at night, or go do laundry, or go to a movie, or have plans with friends, they don’t ask me if I wanted to hang out with them that night, even though it would just be in an IM window, He just tells me that’s what they are doing.   And maybe He shouldn’t have to run it by me first, I guess.  But I guess it just feels like I just sit around and wait to be a part of things.  When they come down for the weekend, they make other plans, and fit me in.  Not every time, of course, but occasionally I am second best.  I fit in where they have time for me.  I get that if we lived closer to each other that it might not be this way.  Might. They have their life, their plans, their things, their everything.  And I have mine.  And if I want to share with them, that’s fine, but it is usually their way.  I have brought this up, and don’t know how else to say it to get them to see that I feel stupid and worthless and less than.  I feel like a spice that you only use sometimes when you want something different.  I feel like they have this little box they made for me, and they are trying desperately to get me to fit into it, and sometimes I don’t.

This all started today because He brought up He and I needing some alone time (note that I said He brought it up).  He said He wanted to come see me by Himself this weekend, and I was just utterly and overwhelmingly thrilled.  He was talking about having a dream about two girls today, and it made me think about how happy He is when He’s with both of us.  It’s not that I’m not happy then too, it’s just that He’s in love with both of us, but I’m only in love with Him.  So it doesn’t get me as excited to be with both of them as it does Him.  At least not on the same level.  I enjoy the “sexy time” when we are all together, but that doesn’t happen that often, and I’ve stopped looking forward to something I know I won’t get.  Anyway, His dream made me wonder if He really wants to come spend the weekend with just me, or if He was just doing it because He hadn’t in a while and He knows that it will make me happy.  So I asked Him.  And boy oh boy did that backfire on me.  Not only did He make it clear that He would rather not spend the weekend without her, but He also suggested that instead of He and I having some a lone time, that we should go back to “their town” so they could show me around.  I feel like such a selfish bitch for not wanting to do that at all. I tried to act happy about it, but it didn’t last long before I couldn’t fake the happy anymore.  I told Him that I didn’t want to go with both of them.  He could tell I was getting mad, so He told me to walk away for a little while and cool off.

I did that, and when I got back, I told Him that the weekend alone was important and exciting to me, but that I wasn’t gonna push it.  If He thought that it was best that we go on a weekend trip or that they both come, or that I go there, then that’s what we would do.  I told Him I wasn’t going to mention it again, and that I would let Him decide what we do.  A little while later, He asked if He could still come to my apartment this weekend.  He followed that question with verifying that it was okay with me if He missed her.  Why?  Can’t He just call her before bed, we all three chat for a little while, and then go back to hanging out with me?  Why do we have to talk about how much He is gonna miss her?  Why does He have to remind me that even when He’s with me, He’s not “complete” unless she’s there too?  It feels like He wants one of two things: 1. her or 2. both of us, and there’s no room for just me in there, even if it’s just every now and then.  Why can’t it be all three?  Why can’t He want her, me, AND both of us?  I understand why it is hard for Him to be away from her.  She’s been there very night for seven years.  But I go to sleep every night without Him…you would think that one night, just one night He could be okay and not make sure I know that she’s more important than me.

And I know that’s not what He’s doing.  He’s not telling me that she’s more important than I am.  But that’s what it feels like.  And when I tell Him that, rather than evaluating His words and actions and seeing what He can do to minimize the unintentional hurt that is happening, He just points out that He didn’t mean to, He loves me, and everything is okay.  I wish that was enough to make it better, but it’s not.  I want to be more important for a few minutes.  I want to feel like it’s just me and Him for a few hours.  I don’t want it to just be me and Him forever.  I want her there, I need her there, too.  But they had seven years of just them.  Without me.  Seven years to make memories and build a relationship.  And I want that too.  I want time with just Him (and time with just her, too) to have inside jokes and things that make us laugh.  I want places that are “ours” and things that are special to us.  And it feels like I can’t have that.  And if I can’t, I think it’s only fair to tell me that!

As I have mentioned, there are things I don’t get with this relationship.  Things that will never be mine, never be ours.  Things I will get to watch them do together, but will never get to do myself.  And there is also so much I do get.  And because of that, I don’t feel it’s unreasonable to ask for time every now and then, or to be considered when they are making plans, or to be occasionally one or both of their top priority.  I understand my place quite well, actually.  The part I don’t understand is why everyone seems to be acting like I am something in this that I’m not.  I’m not an equal voice, I’m not an equal partner.  I’m the secondary.  And I think it would be quite refreshing and good for everyone if we could all just admit that.

The integration of all of us together is where this gets sticky.  He and I fit nicely together, He and Pam have it down to an art, and Pam and I are getting better at being friends.  But put us all together, or mention actual time alone that is pre-planned, and shit hits the fan, every time.  And only when it’s me.  I’m secondary.  I’m secondary.  It sucks, but at least acknowledging it might make it easier to deal with.

I kinda wish I had known in the beginning.  Would I have done it anyway?  Probably.  But at least I would have had all the information first.  I would have known what I was getting involved in.  And the part that is the hardest, is that this isn’t something that we could have known, I don’t think.  This is a natural progression of things.  I think we all thought I would fit better, and that they would want me to fit better.  But it’s not working out that way.  And I think it’s time we all admit it.

I’m gonna go read my post about counting my yummies.  Maybe it will make me feel better about all this.  I am oh so lucky in so many ways.  But that doesn’t mean there aren’t hard things sometimes.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sephani Paige
    Jun 22, 2010 @ 21:52:05

    Have you expressed all of this to Him? and her? I think that above all else you need to make all of this very clear to both of them. That you feel like the extra little toy on the side and nothing you say or feel matters. What you need is important too and just because your submissive doesn’t mean you get to stand back and get none of your needs met. A healthy sub/dom relationship is about ALL needs being met and maybe they don’t realize how the current situation is treating you *hugs* best of luck sweetie!

    Reply

    • hismoonfairy
      Jun 23, 2010 @ 07:13:21

      We have talked about it, and He reads the blog…and last night we talked about it again. I just typed out a bunch of other stuff, and I realized it was long enough for its own post! 🙂 So, most of my response will be in the next entry. But, in summary, it’s okay now. Despite the tone of my post from yesterday, He (and she) are both very understanding.

      Reply

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