Need/Want

I feel too needy sometimes. I feel like sometimes I require too much of Him, need to much, want too much. And it puzzles me, because I’ve never really needed anything from a man before, let alone too much.  I was always just content to just be there.  Satisfied to be acknowledged every now and then, but otherwise left alone.  And I wasn’t settling.  That was how I was in a relationship.  Low maintenance, unobtrusive, and oftentimes boring.  I didn’t challenge my lovers, and I didn’t expect them to challenge me.  We just existed together until we didn’t anymore.  I didn’t even realize how awful that was, until Him.

With Him I want and need it all. I need to feel every sensation possible.  I want to be loved in a wild and indescribable way.  I don’t want to be able to put my feelings into words, because those words don’t exist.  I have never felt a combining of want and need as powerful as I feel with Him.  I’ve always been able to distinguish between the two, but with Him, I find I can use the two words interchangeably.  There’s no distinction between whats necessary and what is excess.

Our connection to each other is quite chemical and visceral at times.  It’s not a choice.  I am drawn to and held to Him in a way I don’t fully understand yet, and may very well never understand.  I picture it in my head as a rubber band tying our souls together.  I can walk away in any direction.  He can walk away in any direction.  But either of us can only get but so far before we are snapped back together.  This has proven true over the almost two decades we have known each other, and is made evident every day to me.

This overwhelming and indescribable love that we share feels unreal to me sometimes, most times really.  I feel like one day something will stop it.  Some outside force will stand in its way.  Almost like God himself will step in and remind us that we love more and better than he does, and we better quit it, because we are upsetting the balance.  I voice this concern every now and then, and He reassures me that this is forever.  That it’s not a dream, and that “If we’re asleep, we’ll dream forever.”  I’m still adjusting to happiness.  Real happiness.  I’ve never felt this kind before.  I’m content and safe and home.

Which is why it doesn’t make sense that I fight Him and try to ruin it.  We are working on that.  He’s learning how to diffuse my senseless and unhealthy anger and frustration, and I’m learning not to kick and scream.  When I’m alone in the shower, or in the mornings drinking my coffee, I tell myself that He loves me.  That He’s good and He won’t ever hurt me.  And that I am such a very very lucky girl, and He loves me and wants me and needs me as much as I do Him (Okay…I’m still struggling with His feelings matching mine, but it’s getting easier to accept that He might just love me as much as I do Him).  I figure if I tell myself that enough, and see it from Him the way that I do every single day, then maybe, just maybe, one day I can stop fighting and just be.

He will be here today, in just a few hours.  I miss Him terribly.  I can’t wait to have His mouth on mine, His hands in my hair, and soft, sweet words in my ear.  *sigh*

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