Count your yummies, not your yuckies.

Good morning!  Last night He and I argued because I got sad.  I suck at being sad.  I suck at pretty much every emotion really.  I bottled everything up for a long time, and I am just now learning how to feel.  That is one of His main focuses.  He’s teaching me and shaping me and helping me.  Taming me in a way.  I tend to go to the extreme with any emotion, and I’m learning how to not do that.  I’m being taught how to feel anger without being mean, how to feel frustration without being passive-aggressive, how to feel sad without going into my shell.  I’m also learning how to balance out my positive emotions.  I’m learning that happy can be calm sometimes, and content can be, well…content.

So last night I got sad.  And then I got cold and short with Him.  And rather than telling Him why I was sad, I got angry because He didn’t know and I felt He wasn’t listening to me.  This happens a lot.  I’m still so scared of my emotions, and I’m scared that He will get mad at me and tell me I didn’t do it right, that rather than try and tell Him in the calm and sweet way He’s told me to tell Him, I just retreat to passive-aggressive one word answers.  I have been getting more and more afraid to talk to Him.  And that’s not His fault.  I’ve been afraid because I don’t think I’m getting any better at communicating.  And I don’t want to upset Him.  Which, I realize now, is silly and counter-productive.

We talked on the phone for a long time last night.  We haven’t talked on the phone that long since we were kids and used to spend every spare moment with a telephone pressed to our ears, just listening to each other breathe sometimes.  I felt so much better being able to hear His voice.  And I said a lot of things that I had been keeping inside.  I let out the scared and sad and upset stuff.  And He soothed me through all of it.

I said all that to say this: the main thing I was upset about last night is what I DON’T get from this relationship. What I DO get outweighs all that beyond measure.  But sometimes those things get to me and make me a little sad.  I will never be surprised by Him down on one knee asking me to be His wife.  I will never hold His hand as I push and cry and scream as our baby is born.  We will never share a lot of the things that come with the natural progression of a relationship (Click here for a snippet of back story on us).  These things are things I have already done with others, so I am not missing the actual experience.  I have babies already and I’ve been a wife. I’m not left never knowing how those things feel.  But I’m chemically and spiritually connected to Him.  I’ll write more about that later, but let’s just say for now that I’ve never wanted it the way I do with Him.

All the thinking about what I don’t get to have made me start thinking about all those things I do have.  And it made me smile so much it hurt to think about all that I do get out of being with Him.

*I get to belong to someone.  I mean really belong.  I am kept and held and His in a way that I have never been with anyone else.  He will never let me go, and all the time spent in His gentle grip is beautiful.

*I have LOVE. I’ve never loved the way we do.  I’ve never even seen it elsewhere.  It’s passionate and heated and tangible.

*I have a home.  I’ve found my place with Him.  I’ve wandered around looking for it for so long that I almost didn’t recognize it when I saw it.

*I get to spend my life with a kind, loving, sweet, caring man that thinks I am utterly amazing.

*I have a partner.  And while we may be opposite in our roles, we are equal.  We stand together, and I am no longer alone.

*I have a best friend and a lover at the same time.

There is so much more that I get as well.  Things that I get because I am with her too.  Things that I get because I am with both of them.  But last night was about what I needed from Him.  Last night all I could see were the things that I would be missing out on.  So I’ve counted my Him blessings.  I’ll count the rest soon.

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