Confusion

Sometimes all I am is confused.  I have no idea what to do or where to go.  I don’t know what I am feeling or how I should react.  I just feel so low and sad.  But I can’t feel sad, not anymore.  I have to be brave and strong.  And I don’t feel brave and strong some days.  Sometimes my feelings get hurt, even if it is over silly little things, and I just feel ripped apart because of it.  But I don’t know what to do with that.

I don’t have anything anymore.  Everything is “ours” but really His.  And I don’t think He really wants to share with me.  I don’t think He wants me here.  I think He wishes I would go away.  I feel so useless and worthless because of it.  He didn’t want to share His life with me, but now He doesn’t really have a choice.  I am just here now.  It was too soon for me to move it.  I know that.  I was more than hesitant.  But they needed me, He needed me.  So I agreed to stay.  And now we both regret it.  Now we want space and something different from what we have.  But we can’t have that.  We can’t go back to the way it was before.  I have no tiny apartment to go back to.  I have no money, no things, nothing.  I have to keep my fingers crossed that He doesn’t get tired of me and become miserable.  I don’t think He will throw me out, but what if He starts to hate me?

We were so happy, so in love.  And then she just ruined it all.  She DESTROYED our happiness.  She took all that was good and yanked it away from us and ran away with it.  She comes by every now and then and dangles what used to be in front of us, taunting us.  I don’t even want her to come back any more.  It is hard for me to admit that, and type it out like that.  I don’t want to be with her, and I don’t want to make her a part of my life.  I just want her to go away.  I want her to leave Him alone so that He can start to move toward being okay.  But as long as she keeps Him on the little string she holds so loosely in her hand, He is going to wait for her.  He is going to wait as long as she lets Him.  And I am certain she will keep Him there at least until she finds someone else.

I just want to cry.  I want to sob in His arms until I can’t breathe.  But I can’t cry.  I have tears in my eyes right now, but I know better now.  I can’t cry.  I have to make the sad go away somehow.  I have to shut down.

This post did not end up where I thought it would

I am starting to notice a pattern.  Well, not a pattern so much as a…hrm…I guess it is a pattern.  We have a week or so that is really good.  Just normal, tear free, happy and connected.  I feel Him with me.  I can talk to Him and touch Him, and He is really there.  I forget that I miss Him and I get to just be His girl again.  He holds me and whispers in my ears.  He hurts me and nibbles on my neck.  I noticed today that we had been normal for a little bit now, about a week.

I got scared when I realized that.  The happy doesn’t usually last more than a week or two.  And it has been about a week.  Which means another low is coming.  I feel like the box gets a little smaller every time.  Maybe that is not the best way to describe it.  Maybe it is like I am a stake being driven into the ground, with each low being the hammer hitting me atop the head.  I get further down each time, and each time a little more worried that I won’t be able to get back up.

I hate that I am thinking of myself.  I hate that anything other than Him and making Him better is what I am thinking about.  But I can’t unload on Him the way I need to.  I can’t tell Him all of this.  He could read this, sure, but I doubt He does.  I asked Him a while back, when the whatever it is with Pam started to not read my blog for a while.  I needed to say things about her, about Him, and about us that would not make Him happy.  I don’t know that I ever did go off on the “Pam is evil” rant that I was keeping inside, but I definitely said some things that would have only made Him sad.  So, He has stayed away, and I think that warning has just kinda stuck.  I think He is afraid of what He will find here.

I don’t write as much as I should or would like to, not really because of Him, but more because of Pam.  For lots of reasons.  She knows about the blog, and has read it in the past.  I have no idea if she still reads it or not, and I am starting to get past my apprehension about it.  For a while it was anger that motivated me not to want her to read anything about me or how I feel.  Because she hurt me.  And she has to know that, right?  I have wondered for a while if she does know that.  I think maybe she just thinks because she didn’t really care about me, that I must not have cared about her.  And I am not so good at being the one that is upset or hurt.  I would rather put on my tough face and pretend I never cared in the first place.

So I was mad.  I didn’t want her to know what we were doing.  I didn’t want her to have any kind of insight into our lives or relationship other than what she could see through the window.  She put herself outside of us, and I thought, and still do honestly, that that is where she deserves to stay.  I didn’t want her to know about the sad.  I didn’t want her to know about the hurt.  Because she seems so content to not care about it herself.  She seems to block out the mere thought that she might have even affected us at all, so I suppose it wouldn’t matter if I talk about it.  But I didn’t want her to know anything else about me.

I am still quite angry.  I think I need to start working some of that out.  Because it is starting to influence the way I take care of Him.  I find myself just so pissed at her when He is sad.  I find myself just seething inside when I see Him cry, and I know that it is all her stupid fault.  I want to get out all the mean and petty little things that I think when He weeps for her.  And I think I am going to do just that.  So, I apologize for the turn that this blog may take.  I never wanted it to be some sort of bitchfest about, of all people, Pam.  But I am bottling it up too much.  My friends are far too biased to really listen to me talk about it.  They love me and want to protect me, and Pam is enemy number one to most of them.  So, when I complain about her, they agree with me (as they should…I am telling the truth!), and it makes it hard to just get it all out.  I don’t want anyone to agree with me, I just want to pour it all out.

I have no idea what will happen.  I don’t know how it will work out.  I do not even kinda know the direction this will all take.  But I do know that having pent-up anger and feelings will not be helpful no matter what happens.  So, I’m gonna tell it all, in all kinds of opinionated detail, until I have said all that I need to say.  And then I am gonna try to heal from it.  Because I can’t just be angry with her forever.  I don’t have to end up all happy and smiley about it either, don’t get me wrong.  but I do need to at least move past what is getting damn near hatred.

Frustration

I wish I could post some wonderful happiness here.  Some report that my silence has been because things were so good that I was too busy being blissfully happy to post.  But, as the title of this post may indicate, that is just not the case.  Things haven’t been awful and bad, just frustrating.  Sadness is just palpable in my house.  Not without cause, of course, but I am starting to feel selfish, even though I know that I am not.

I want attention.  I want the attention I used to get.  I want the patience and understanding that came with Him.  But it has been so hard to feel like I am still His lately.  I love Him endlessly, and I know that it won’t be terrible and bad forever, but I feel stretched so thin.  I was broken when we started this.  I was closed up and angry and sad and alone.  I shut everything and everyone out.  I was this blank emotional void.  But then He changed that.  He gave me a safe and soft place to fall.  He showed me that I could let it go and cry and talk about it and start to heal.  He held me while I sobbed out words that didn’t even make sense to me, let alone to anyone listening.  He wiped my tears away and reassured me.  He understood.  He knew that it was hard for me to open up, to anyone.  He knew that I wanted to stay locked inside my shell.  But He coaxed me out of it.  And then left me to fend for myself.

He’s not physically gone, of course.  He sleeps next to me every night.  I wake up next to Him every morning.  We have a routine and a schedule.  We take the kid to school and I go to the gym (yay me for losing 14 pounds!).  I pick Him up and we eat dinner.  We hang out and go to bed.  Then do it all over again the next day.  Every day.  But He’s not here anymore.  He’s not emotionally with me anymore.  He is too sad.  And I understand.  It tears me up to see Him breaking apart the way He is.  And I try so hard to hold Him up.  I try so hard to be the strong and supportive and sweet girl He needs right now.  And for a long time, it was actually quite easy.  I had a task: take care of Him, make Him better.  But now it is wearing on me.  Not in a resentful or angry kind of way, although sometimes my frustration comes out as anger, it is not, and I know that.

I feel insignificant and alone.  I started on the journey of finding myself, with His help and the help of the dynamics of our relationship.  But I didn’t have enough time.  I didn’t have enough time of being guided and helped to be able to do it on my own.  It happened too soon.  I can’t fend for myself yet, but I have no choice.  He is still in charge, and I still have rules I have to follow, but often times they are not really enforced.  That, it seems, is left up to me.  I am supposed to be able to be good all on my own, and I just can’t most of the time.  I feel myself going back in that shell.  Because I don’t have anywhere to put all my emotions, not the way I need to anyway.

There are things I need from Him that I am not getting.  There are words I need to hear and little pains I need to feel.  There are spankings and hair tugs that I need.  And I feel so terribly selfish for needing them, wanting them.  I feel like I shouldn’t ask for things right now, because He needs me so much, and He is hurting so badly.  I feel selfish and mean for wanting Him back the way He was.  I feel like I should be able to put my own needs and wants aside for a little bit while He heals, or at least tries to.  And, most of the time, I do keep quiet and I don’t ask for things I am aching for.  But it is starting to build up in a way that is digging into me.

I was sad last night.  It was a silly and insignificant sad, but it was sadness nonetheless.  I snuggled up to Him when He got in bed, told Him I needed to recharge my battery.  He held me so tight.  We had a sweet little conversation about nothing at all, and I started to feel a little better.  But then I got sad again, and I started to cry.  I tried to stop, but it was hard.  I managed to sniffle only a little and then roll over to watch TV.  I hate that I wasn’t strong enough to ask Him if I could just cry while He held me for a little while.  That is what I wanted.  I wanted quiet little tears while He held me close.  I wanted His voice in my ear telling me I belong to Him and that He will take care of me.  I wanted Him to tug my hair and tell me I’m His girl.  But instead I stayed quiet.  He fell asleep soon after, and I sat up and cried just a little.  Like it was some sort of fix.  I needed to cry so badly, and I almost got the chance.  I couldn’t control it.

And that is what I am afraid of.  Losing the little control that I have.  That little bit of control that keeps me from breaking down.  What happens if I do?  I will just shatter and break.  I won’t have anywhere to fall.  I won’t have anywhere to turn.  Sex is even getting hard for me.  Because I had gotten so used to letting go with Him.  Letting myself feel things and enjoy it.  But now that opens the floodgates, and I freak out if I let myself get too into it.  So I stay calm and reserved through most of it.  I don’t want to be that way.  I don’t want to shut down, especially there, not with Him.  But I don’t know what else to do.

I have thought about spreading my emotions out over a few close friends, and I think that would help for a little while, at least with getting some things off my chest.  But I can’t fall apart with them the way I need to.  Not because they wouldn’t let me, but because that’s just not what they are for.  I’m not sure I explained that right, but I just mean that I am supposed to be able to confide in them and tell them my secrets.  But my open and bruised heart is supposed to be His.  It is supposed to be Him that I fall apart with.  Because He is the only one that can put me back together.  He is the only one that I have ever trusted to help me.

I have very little trust in Him now, as much as it hurts me to say that.  I don’t trust that He will take care of me.  I don’t trust that He knows what’s best for me.  I don’t trust the most critical and basic parts of our relationship anymore.  And without those parts, I don’t know what to do.  I will never leave Him.  I will always be His, even if He can’t say it.  I will wait as long as it takes for Him to get better and come back to me.  I just hope it’s soon.

Going to the gym!

We joined a gym!  I worked my ass off last week with a Pilates class and an aerobics class in the mornings, and treadmills and weights in the evenings.  We took the weekend off from going, and it made me a little sad!  I am really excited about going back tomorrow.  I feel so much better already.

I wanna lose about 50 pounds, and I figure the first half of that will be pretty easy to get rid of over the next few months.  The last half will take more work, but for the first time I really have motivation and feel like I can do it.  He is so excited to see what I will look like when I am done.  I am quite excited too!

He is working out with me, and I think that is the main source of the motivation.  I like having a place to go to work out too.  Somewhere that means focus and motivation and effort.  I am really enjoying it.  I have had next to no self esteem lately, and I think having some control over what I look like will help that.  I have attempted to find some self worth and self esteem in my submission, but it has been a challenge to be good lately, and I struggle with a lot.

He has given me several yummy spankings over the past couple weeks.  Sometimes I think that might be the only thing that keeps me smiling, just the thought of his hand smacking my ass over and over is enough to get a grin on my face.  🙂  It has not been an easy past couple of months, and I really want to write about it, but I’m not sure that I am ready.  There has been a lot on my mind lately, and I think at the very least, I should make a list of everything so it doesn’t get lost in the jumble.

I has a Twitter!

If you click this, you will get to go to the magical land of MoonFairy’s Twitter page!

Happy Birthday to Him!

Today is His birthday!  He has been sick for a couple of days, and I was so afraid that He would still be sick today.  He is much better now!  🙂  He has been really sad lately, as Pam has been almost completely absent.  She doesn’t call, return His messages, and she seems to be avoiding Him.  They have hung out a few times, but He says she seems distant and like she doesn’t really want to be there.  He is going out to dinner with her tonight, so that is good for Him.

I really want His birthday to be happy.  He is so sad most of the time.  And it isn’t really just sad anymore.  It is this general sense of despair that surrounds Him.  I miss the happy that He used to be.  But, hopefully dinner with Pam tonight will help lift His spirits.  She has promised Him birthday kisses, and that has made Him quite a happy camper.  He is in a very good mood!

We are going to the beach this weekend and going to a Great Big Sea concert!  We get to relax at the beach all weekend, go to the concert, and have a kid-free couple of days!  I think we are both looking forward to all of that.  The kids don’t go to their dad’s as often as they used to, and we are 100 miles away from my parents now.  So there is very little break for us.  I am excited to take Him to my favorite place in the world, and getting to hold His hand while we watch the sunrise on the beach.  I am excited to take Him to yummy restaurants and to go sightseeing.  I am excited that He finally gets to see GBS in concert.  It will be an all around good trip, I hope.

He deserves the happiest of happy birthdays.  He has been wishing for His birthday last year (Red Lobster and hot sex with Pam and I :D), and it hurts me that I can’t give Him that again.  But, I can make it as awesome as possible, and that is what I intend to do.  I have been working on a few little surprises for Him, and I have a really good present on the way soon.  He is gonna get as spoiled as I can manage.  🙂

So, happy birthday, my love.  You are the most amazing man I have ever known.  Welcome to your late 20s, babe.  ❤

Some wonderings and what-ifs

Things have been strangely normal around here lately.  We function as a family really well.  Getting the kids up and ready, eating breakfast, heading out for the day.  Making meals, cleaning house.  Bedtime routines and nightly rituals.  We talk and hang out.  We play with the kids and do dishes.  We are normal.  And all this is good.  But it worries me as well.

Pam says her move is temporary.  And he wants and needs her to come back.  I want her to come back too…well, I want the old Pam to come back.  The post-breakdown Pam can stay away.  But the one before that?  She was sweet and nice and fun to be around.  Anyway…what do we do when she does come back?  I know it’s not that big of an issue…I (and the kids) fit into their routine easy enough I suppose.  Or maybe we didn’t…maybe that was the problem.  Maybe we were too much of an upset.  Although I know that can’t be all of it, I wonder if it didn’t somehow contribute.

But, let’s say she comes back in six months.  Six months of normalcy and routines.  Six months of Him sleeping in my bed.  Six months of Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons.  We both love her enough that we will freeze it all to take her back into our lives.  But I think about the things that are kinda stationary…like things with the kids.  School times and dinner times.  Things that we will have to keep up.  If she comes back, it is right that she would get some special treatment for a little while.  He will be so happy, and it will be good to have old Pam back.  I think about that a lot…we worked so well together for a while…can we get that back?

But what if she wants to come back only if I leave?  I am not 100% on how that would go down.  Although, from what He has said, He made it clear that the issue of “one or the other” would not be an option to be discussed.  And I guess I just feel like either her demanding that I leave so that she can come back, or her just not even entertaining the idea of coming back if I am here are the most logical options.

She didn’t leave because she likes me so much and just loved living with me and having a triad relationship.  She left because she doesn’t want to have a relationship with anyone other than just Him.  So, what is going to change her mind?  That is the part I can’t reason my way around.  I can’t come up with possible scenarios where she just has such a drastic change of heart.  Because that is what it will be if she comes back.  She will be coming back to be part of He and I.  She will be coming back to a triad and a family.  I suppose a V is an option, although I know that is nowhere near what He wants.

He loves us both very much.  And His ideal relationship is all three of us together.  I suppose He would settle for her and I being really good friends, and that is more or less what was going on for a while.  But the last few months before she left, we were constantly at each others throats.  The tension was palpable and thick.  And that is not how any of us want to live.  So are she and I going to just miraculously fall in love with each other?  Probably not.  And the way things have been make me wonder if we can even be friends.

I am slowly letting go of my anger and hostility.  It has been very helpful to acknowledge that I did nothing wrong.  I think that is really all I can do.  Let go and heal my side.  I can forgive and move on and become okay.  I can’t force her to do any of that.  I can’t make her like me, love me, or anything.  All I can do is work on getting myself to a place where, if she ever decides she wants to come back and try again, I can be open and ready for that.  I am working on it.  I don’t know how long it will take, but I feel like eventually I will get there.

I suppose the only answer to the question of what we do if and when she comes back is to just take it one day at a time and see what happens.  I guess if we get to the point of discussing all of us living together again, or even just dating again, or anything, we will know what to do then.  I hate that kind of answer, though.  It is so unhelpful and unsettling.  But, it’s all we’ve got for right now.

Hrm

It has been a while, hasn’t it?  A good bit has been going on lately, and I guess I have just been too overwhelmed to focus enough to come up with a post.  I suppose I’ll try to summarize some of it here.

Pam moved out.  It will be two weeks this Saturday.  He is…okay.  He isn’t happy about it, of course.  He misses her terribly, and wants her to come back home.  She says it is temporary, but I don’t know how much I believe that.  I mean, she doesn’t want to be in a triad relationship.  So, as long as I am here, I am pretty sure she won’t be.  She says she is having an identity crisis too.  I suppose that is true?  But to us, it just kinda seems like she wants to act like a college kid again.  She wants to bar hop and stay out late.  She wants to be as carefree as possible.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  Of course there isn’t.  I just think it is a little unfair to make a commitment to someone, and then change your mind partly because you wanna go out and party.  But whatevs.

It is such a complex situation, that I really don’t think it is possible for me to explain it all.  There are a thousand different angles, and they all have to be examined at the exact same time in order for any of this to make any sense.  And I think that is part of the problem.  That is impossible.  Even between the two of us, we can’t possibly cram it all into our minds at the same time.  We can think about one or two issues each, and try to figure those out, but then we are reminded of something else that makes our conclusions void.  So, we are stuck mulling it over and trying to figure it out, and being left more or less with just plain confusion.

I was really angry for a while, as I am sure you can tell from my previous posts.  And, honestly, I still am rather angry.  But, I am dealing with it a little better now, I think.  For the first five months of this, I felt the anger and upset and hostility just oozing out of Pam and onto me.  Everything I said, she argued.  Every point I made, she had a counter-point.  She would go out of her way to make me upset or uncomfortable, and I can admit that a lot of my words and actions were retaliation to that.  She pissed me off, so I pissed her off.  Wasn’t very nice of me, no, but I thought it was making me feel better.  It wasn’t.  It was only making things worse.  Not that the alternative is that I should be sugary sweet to her, she doesn’t deserve that.  But she doesn’t deserve Uber Bitch either.  So, I decided to do some thinking about it, and I came up with something that was both interesting and helpful.

My conclusion: I didn’t do anything wrong.  Nothing I said, did, thought, made, wore, bought, gave, took, anything at all possible was the cause of all this.  And I thought, with all the anger coming from her, that I MUST deserve it.  I must have done something to deserve it, right?  Even if it was unconscious or not on purpose, there must have been some action or something I said that made her hate me so much and made her want to be so mean to me.  But, after some analyzation, I have come to realize that there is nothing.  She isn’t mad at me.  She isn’t upset with me.  She doesn’t hate me.  All those are feelings she has about HERSELF.  She regrets allowing me into the relationship (but that’s not my fault either), and she is sad that now the only relationship she can have with him is one that, in some way or another, includes me as well.  And I understand how that must feel.  I am sure she is hurting and upset.  I was the easiest target.  Pam doesn’t really ever own her behavior or thoughts, especially when they are negative or wrong.  For example, she says something mean, she isn’t really going to admit it, and she will probably find a way to “apologize” that includes making it at least a little bit your fault.  I know it is not just Pam that does this…lots of people cope with their own shortcomings and mistakes by pushing them or projecting them onto other people.  I do it sometimes too.  But when I hurt someone…I hurt too.  And I acknowledge the hurt and I try to soothe it.  Not every time, of course, but it is more often that then the other.

Anyway, I haven’t done anything, and it isn’t’ my fault.  She is projecting her frustrations with herself onto me.  She is handing me all the stuff she doesn’t want to deal with.  And for a long time, I didn’t see that.  I thought that I must have done something terribly awful to her, and I didn’t realize it.  I asked myself over and over what I did to deserve her more or less just breaking up with me without even really saying it.  She decided she didn’t want to be with me, but didn’t bother to tell me.  And then she more or less started acting like she wasn’t even really with me to begin with.  I won’t pretend that we had some epic romance, but we were involved.  And then suddenly we weren’t.  And she started acting like I was crazy for thinking we were, in a way.  It took me a while to realize that it was just her own issues.

So, with that knowledge, I am doing a little better at being nice to her.  Realizing that anything negative or hostile she has to say to me isn’t really directed at me has helped me hear it differently.  I don’t hear her screaming at me, or being mean to me, I hear her doing those things to herself.  Although, my interactions with her have been rather limited lately, as she doesn’t really come over much.

That’s hard for Him, of course.  He aches without her.  And I wish I knew what was going to happen.  I wish I could tell how she was feeling and what she was thinking.  But I don’t think she even knows most of the time.  I think her head is just a muddled clusterfuck that she can’t really wade through it most of the time, let alone explain it to anyone else.

**sigh**

It has been a rough time here lately.  But, good things are gonna happen soon too.  His birthday is soon, and in celebration we are going to a concert in Florida, and spending a couple days at the beach.  I am beyond excited, because I truly believe that I get my energy from the ocean air.  I think that might be why I am running out of steam…I haven’t had my toes in the sand in too long a time. 

Nursemaid

*sigh*

I have been playing nurse to Him for the past several days, as He has been very sick with strep throat.  We waited a little too long to get Him to the doctor, and as a result the pain and discomfort has lasted a lot  longer than it normally would.  I hate that He was/is sick.  He’s still not 100%.  The pain is more or less gone, but his throat is still really swollen, and He can’t talk.  We have been learning sign language!

I knew some to start with, and I taught Him some of it.  I have been interested in learning for a while, and I tried, but kinda lost steam doing it on my own.  But now that He wants to learn with me, I am quite excited!  I am looking around for a class we can take together, or perhaps software we can buy.  (We are leaning toward classes…not just because it will be easier, but because we live in a college town…full of pretty college girls…I’m sure at least one of them knows ASL, right? :D)

I have enjoyed playing nurse.  He has really NEEDED me the past week.  And it has been really fulfilling for me.  I like being needed, feeling necessary.  He has been in my room, in my bed, wrapped up in my care for almost a week now.  I fear I am getting spoiled!  Although, having Him in my room so much has made me think about Him NOT being in here.

At first I was quite sad when He would leave.  But then I came to really love having my own space.  A little corner that is mine, with my stuff (well, mostly my stuff anyway).  And I loved when He would come and share my space with me.  Because that is what it felt like to me, sharing my little piece of comfort and solace with Him.  It is always nice in here.  And I love sharing that with Him.  Over the past week, it has become more and more ‘our’ space.  And while I don’t hate that, I do kinda miss having the place all to myself sometimes.

It is so weird to me that I feel like this.  I ached for so long to wake up next to Him more than just one morning a week.  And it is not at all that I don’t want Him in here.  I suppose it is just an adjustment.  He will most likely go back to His room soon, and I think it is good that I feel this way.  I was a little afraid that I would be horribly sad when He goes back.  But, I think I will be just fine!  🙂

The only thing I am aching for right now, is a wonderfully long spanking.  I have hinted, rather heavily in fact, that good nurses should get paid in spanks!  😀

Lookit what I made!

Anklet The quality of the picture is pretty crappy as it was night time and I couldn’t get it to look right without using the flash.  There are also a lot of blemishes and errors in the anklet itself, but I think it is pretty good for my very first try!

I hope to get a bunch of jump rings and some really good tools in a month or so.  I think with some practice I can get really good at this.  Maybe some day I can even make a little bit of money doing it too!  🙂

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