I wish I could post some wonderful happiness here. Some report that my silence has been because things were so good that I was too busy being blissfully happy to post. But, as the title of this post may indicate, that is just not the case. Things haven’t been awful and bad, just frustrating. Sadness is just palpable in my house. Not without cause, of course, but I am starting to feel selfish, even though I know that I am not.
I want attention. I want the attention I used to get. I want the patience and understanding that came with Him. But it has been so hard to feel like I am still His lately. I love Him endlessly, and I know that it won’t be terrible and bad forever, but I feel stretched so thin. I was broken when we started this. I was closed up and angry and sad and alone. I shut everything and everyone out. I was this blank emotional void. But then He changed that. He gave me a safe and soft place to fall. He showed me that I could let it go and cry and talk about it and start to heal. He held me while I sobbed out words that didn’t even make sense to me, let alone to anyone listening. He wiped my tears away and reassured me. He understood. He knew that it was hard for me to open up, to anyone. He knew that I wanted to stay locked inside my shell. But He coaxed me out of it. And then left me to fend for myself.
He’s not physically gone, of course. He sleeps next to me every night. I wake up next to Him every morning. We have a routine and a schedule. We take the kid to school and I go to the gym (yay me for losing 14 pounds!). I pick Him up and we eat dinner. We hang out and go to bed. Then do it all over again the next day. Every day. But He’s not here anymore. He’s not emotionally with me anymore. He is too sad. And I understand. It tears me up to see Him breaking apart the way He is. And I try so hard to hold Him up. I try so hard to be the strong and supportive and sweet girl He needs right now. And for a long time, it was actually quite easy. I had a task: take care of Him, make Him better. But now it is wearing on me. Not in a resentful or angry kind of way, although sometimes my frustration comes out as anger, it is not, and I know that.
I feel insignificant and alone. I started on the journey of finding myself, with His help and the help of the dynamics of our relationship. But I didn’t have enough time. I didn’t have enough time of being guided and helped to be able to do it on my own. It happened too soon. I can’t fend for myself yet, but I have no choice. He is still in charge, and I still have rules I have to follow, but often times they are not really enforced. That, it seems, is left up to me. I am supposed to be able to be good all on my own, and I just can’t most of the time. I feel myself going back in that shell. Because I don’t have anywhere to put all my emotions, not the way I need to anyway.
There are things I need from Him that I am not getting. There are words I need to hear and little pains I need to feel. There are spankings and hair tugs that I need. And I feel so terribly selfish for needing them, wanting them. I feel like I shouldn’t ask for things right now, because He needs me so much, and He is hurting so badly. I feel selfish and mean for wanting Him back the way He was. I feel like I should be able to put my own needs and wants aside for a little bit while He heals, or at least tries to. And, most of the time, I do keep quiet and I don’t ask for things I am aching for. But it is starting to build up in a way that is digging into me.
I was sad last night. It was a silly and insignificant sad, but it was sadness nonetheless. I snuggled up to Him when He got in bed, told Him I needed to recharge my battery. He held me so tight. We had a sweet little conversation about nothing at all, and I started to feel a little better. But then I got sad again, and I started to cry. I tried to stop, but it was hard. I managed to sniffle only a little and then roll over to watch TV. I hate that I wasn’t strong enough to ask Him if I could just cry while He held me for a little while. That is what I wanted. I wanted quiet little tears while He held me close. I wanted His voice in my ear telling me I belong to Him and that He will take care of me. I wanted Him to tug my hair and tell me I’m His girl. But instead I stayed quiet. He fell asleep soon after, and I sat up and cried just a little. Like it was some sort of fix. I needed to cry so badly, and I almost got the chance. I couldn’t control it.
And that is what I am afraid of. Losing the little control that I have. That little bit of control that keeps me from breaking down. What happens if I do? I will just shatter and break. I won’t have anywhere to fall. I won’t have anywhere to turn. Sex is even getting hard for me. Because I had gotten so used to letting go with Him. Letting myself feel things and enjoy it. But now that opens the floodgates, and I freak out if I let myself get too into it. So I stay calm and reserved through most of it. I don’t want to be that way. I don’t want to shut down, especially there, not with Him. But I don’t know what else to do.
I have thought about spreading my emotions out over a few close friends, and I think that would help for a little while, at least with getting some things off my chest. But I can’t fall apart with them the way I need to. Not because they wouldn’t let me, but because that’s just not what they are for. I’m not sure I explained that right, but I just mean that I am supposed to be able to confide in them and tell them my secrets. But my open and bruised heart is supposed to be His. It is supposed to be Him that I fall apart with. Because He is the only one that can put me back together. He is the only one that I have ever trusted to help me.
I have very little trust in Him now, as much as it hurts me to say that. I don’t trust that He will take care of me. I don’t trust that He knows what’s best for me. I don’t trust the most critical and basic parts of our relationship anymore. And without those parts, I don’t know what to do. I will never leave Him. I will always be His, even if He can’t say it. I will wait as long as it takes for Him to get better and come back to me. I just hope it’s soon.